my sin[] for sure

I was walking on the street, passing by a music shop; I heard that song, again. Then, the memories of you flash into my mind. Why you? Am I regretting for breaking up with you? If I do not say that last word, maybe last four months we already went through our very first anniversary… I miss you for sure. Where are you now?

I still blame myself for my stupid mistake letting you go. Have I let you go? 100%? I don’t know…

I’m still counting, counting the day that we went through if we are still together, stupid right? I’m the one who let you go, and in the end, I’m the one who still miss you… really hate myself…

I still can’t let go… for my sin…

Please save me…

dropping in and out~

Why am I always stuck in problems that I do not wish too involved? And why nobody support me? Why I am always the wrong person to blame? Why nobody ask about my feelings? Why? Is it I am the one who always make up the problems? So you all jump into the conclusion.


I do not know what is my feeling right now, just damn down! Even my friend also asks me to think. Honest? What is honest? In her world, everything just seems so simple and easy, whereas my life is full of thoughts, complicity, troubles, and misery. Honest for me is just a word. You just act honest when you get caught, and it is beyond your beliefs and gut. When can I be truly honest?

It is not that I do not want to tell the truth; maybe it is just not the right time. I think even how many times I explain, he stills stand on his own word. And yes, I am. I am the kind of person who he thinks I am. Brat. Spoilt. Sucks.

And everyone starts to blame me. And this really makes me puke all the way. How can I walk along the road? I can’t, just can’t…

Now, I seemed to be lifeless. Everything should be stop right now. My world seems to stop spinning… and I can feel my soul start to crawl out from its host.



-You can judge me all you want by using your own theory,


in case you feel your feeling will gets better*



-You can boycott me if you wish,


in case you feel I’m wrong*



-You can tell me you hate my actions and words,


in case you feel I’m irritating*




…just to tell you…

YOU are not the RIGHT person to JUDGE my life, because you don’t even know me.



Fly away~

oh shit x[

Totally blank. Don’t know what I am thinking right now. I think I will surrender and try to forget. I want to sleep! Urgh! Assignments make me puke. Nooooo!!







Vomited all the foods I’ve eaten. Sucks! Stupid oily Lo Shu Fun. Sigh. Stomach still drowns with oil. No cure.






*no mood wana write sumore.






Chao~

casanova,girl version.

People do change. It is just depends on the timing and environmental problems. My adrenaline spreads so fast and moving like a train this morning. I don’t know why but I’m sure it’s not because of excited, it’s because of hatred and angry. I hated myself so much that I can’t control it and let it bomb.



I can’t stop blaming myself that I’m the cause of these problems! I never want to involve in this thing, but whenever I feel like I want to stop, feelings keep pulling me into this trap again! I hated myself so much that I let myself go in!


I hurt someone. I open the cut, I spread the salt and make him hurt deeply. Not only one, but two. Then, I started to realize something, I’ve changed. I’m trying hard to search myself back! Where is the old tyanlee? I’m so frustrated that I feel like scream out of my lungs! Today might be the day I go crazy…


I will never love someone like I did in the past even if I’m trying my best. Maybe I’m just scare that I will take the wrong path and in the end, either he or I will get hurt. As I said, don’t fall for me for I will ruin your life and taking you for granted. Now, my life only has me and myself. I will stop. Stop for feeling things.


I’m not a flirter. But, if you insist that I’m, then go on! Just say I’m a playgirl.
That maybe correct, isn’t it?

If You Read This

Everything happened just so sudden. I don’t know how to react, maybe one of the best way is… ignoring. But I know, I can’t do this forever, I still need to face the problem. I hope I will have enough courage to face him, unfortunately, no. If you ask me once again, I will still stand on my own decision. I can’t accept that things turn to me once again. I can’t trust people who change his or her mind so suddenly, especially dealing with feeling. This is just too scary.



Maybe, the problem came from me. Maybe I’m just too close with him. I should know that my action will cause another possibility. Just blame on me. My intend just to be friend with him, maybe some kind of close but I don’t mean to go beyond this tie. I don’t know how to tell him this, because some fact might hurt him. If you saw my blog, hope you know that I don’t mean to ignore you… sorry for yesterday. Just so sorry.

so called "SOUL-hurt"

It's hurt, too hurt to recall those memories.



I knew you since the first week of Semester One. We met by chance and fate. I’m so happy to know you, really. Hanging out with you really gives me a lot of fun, and you do make me happy. Sometimes, we do argue because of small matter, but that doesn’t matter, because this has taught me to accept another you…


Something happened in the middle, caused our relationship to slowly fade away day by day. I have decided to let you go; hoping that you would leave me a little dignity inside myself. I then knew a lot of friends, I joined them… learnt to leave you alone really tough enough. But I’ve no other choice. I blamed myself for too naïve, too childish… and on everything that can hurt me…


It’s been about 4 months, in the four months; you do make something that can heal our relationship…you told me something that against my thought… and I still stand on my own principe, that we are impossible. We are still friends, but I do ignore you a lot. And until just now… you asked me something. I think my action just too mean. I’m sorry… really sorry! Maybe I’m still trying to avoid the truth… the so called soul-hurt. I just want you to give me a little dignity… not much.

somethingFOR[y]ou

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.


from,
Neil Gainman

lOOkin' UP, sigh !

I'm not okey today. X(

It's raining right now. And my feeling is totally hundred percent down!

Sigh. Something make me dissapointed, accurately, someone!

I don't know how to talk about this,.

*leave me alone*

s a y cheers! x))

Finally, it’s semester break! X))

Staying home right now, for a couple days before going out to have a real fun! Best time to rest myself from the hectic campus life… dump them aside first, go have fun like; bukit climbing, naked on the beach x))( that will be a joke! ), shopping, baking cake, hanging out with some close friends, loitering(^^), enjoying pleasure time with family members and also… my garden!... shit, y they look like forest ? lols, thanks, so to nature x))

So relax to stay in home… argggghhh! I like my home! Homexsweetxhome! X))

By the way, I’m so miss my group, TA10!... >.< what can I do… msn-ing luh.. Sigh…xoxo you all! =3

w a i t i n g

Let go.

Let go is the best decision for each of us; for you and me.
I’m not going to love you. That will be my decision. The reason, very easy… I like another person.
It’s not worth for you to love me, I said it before… it’s useless… and I’m going to give and pay back all the things u have given or done for me...

I don’t know when I will give up on liking him. I think I’m just stupid, waiting for someone who didn’t even know I like him. Idiot huh? I just don’t have the gut, the gut to confess, and I really don’t want to make a mess on him… But who cares, that’s my problem… It’s just that, I will keep on pray for him and his girl :]

I will close my heart for this time. Silently support him… x)

lET mE gO~

I just don’t think that I can make it anymore. It doesn’t relate to my old century case. It’s just, I can’t found anyone that I feel I want to live with forever. Maybe I did! But I’ve let him go… in front of me…
Till now, I’m still waiting for him… for him to realize that I’m by his side, always!
Anyway, I’m so sorry for the one who have been courting me since… since I don’t know when… I pleased you to give me time… but I’m just sorry… I can’t make it… its hard.
You know, maybe one day I realized that you are the one who really suitable for me, you maybe have let me go… how coincidence.
No matter what, thanks for sharing whatever you had shared with me… I will go on with my life…

No-way x((

Am I too busybody? I’m an asshole digger. I screwed up on other people. I kick their asses and then tell the whole world. I’m cruel. I’m rubbish. Fine.
What happened to me recently? I’m acting like… like, no direction. What had happened?!
Don’t tell me that I’ve fall deeply… deeply into the sea of love. No, I can’t do this, I will stop myself from going down again… we’re just friends… and I care for him just like a friend… it can’t be… no way…

I Wish... x))

Sunrise o sunrise.
I want to watch sunrise so much. But that day I just gave up because I’ve no faith, x((

Sunrise o sunrise
I want to take picture with you so much. But that day I’ve leave you… again I’ve no faith, x((

I will have the chance!x))
I won’t give up…

bad-day

I'm not trying to give hope.
I will not.

SIGH.
I will never ever talk about it again.
No more.

jUST lOOK aROUND

Things shouldn’t be moving right so fast, maybe human need time to observe, interpret, and then decide whether their decision is correct or other way round. Human do make mistake and don‘t realize their mistaken decision until some time.

The feeling of liking someone is wonderful, at the same time you will be confusing whether you really like him/her or just your feeling is fooling around. Have you ever think that you just need someone to occupy your empty heart? Or, you just pick anyone who is ok and compatible with you to court even you just know him/her not more than 6 month? Have you ever thought that you are using your heart to think but not your mind, your heart has conquered your feeling? You can said, it’s the love at first sight, but I never believe in that way. It’s just the feeling of lust not love. Think about it carefully.

First time you said you like that one girl, then when she had rejected for some reasons, you give up and court another one girl. No problem right, because since she’s not the right person. Here’s the problem, you just knew both of the girl for 3 months. Then in the 3 months, the feeling can change so drastically? So, is this lust or love?

For me, I don’t believe in love at first sight, because everything happened for just chemistry. To find someone who is really suitable for you, you need time to observe. Gone through once is just enough experience to me. I just don’t want to simply pick one and go on a relationship. If he has faith in waiting for me, then he’s maybe the right person. After all, feeling is also important, what is the point of having someone who is suitable but has no feeling. It is just like wearing clothes that fit you but you don’t like it.

I choose on flirting for some reasons. Maybe someday I will stop it if I’ve found someone who is really suitable. Because you never know, the art of falling in love and then broke up after a while is really hurting. It is just indescribable in words.

Just make you feeling as simple as you can and don’t let any of your emotions take over you. Think it carefully and make your decision wisely enough. After all, it’s just a feeling. Take your time to digest. Use your brain and mind to think not your heart in making decisions. X)

I do admit that in some cases, some couple managed to go till the end. And here I really wished them to have a happy ending; I just love to see couple. KAKA! X)) “love makes the world go around”.

Berry,
and good luck guys. X))
gambate for tomorrow!

Currently x)

“Changing position”, I mean I’ve changed and carry my laptop to my bed, Is exactly on my bed. Nothing, just want to see the light and the skies, cause my bed is facing the window. Kinda miss the sunlight x)) and now I’m studying on my bed, I am sitting on the floor and act like the bed is the desk. Lol. I enjoyed doing that.
Currently busy for the final examination for this semester. I am wondering whether we can still meet and chat like this after we will be going on separate way for the next semester. I hope our relationship will be the same; after all we need to grow up.
A lot of thing happened recently, relationship, either on friendship or lover-ship… everything is moving on its own way. I see through everything and realize something, “just be grateful” and “everything happened for a reason”. The feeling of being abundant by others is really disturbing and shit. I knew because I’ve gone through the shit before. Be positive and act nothing, maybe others are not doing it on purpose. Just don’t let the small matter make your days worsen… its not worth at all, brighten your days with smiles and laughter x))
Sometimes we just don’t realize families are the one who will support us forever. They will by our side no matter what, lovers will leaves us, friends will turn you over but family are the one who will not do that… be appreciate whenever by their side, just be appreciate… and I currently missed them so much. I know sometimes I do angry and scold you all but I’m not doing it on purpose, it’s just that I also have my own opinion, and I know what I am doing… and I just want to say, I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you all… scar will be there but I promise I will improve myself, I mean my attitude towards you all… x((
Sigh, we walked, we talked, we laughed, we sang, we chatted; we are doing all everything…together!
I will never forget you guys, all these 3 months are really wonderful memories you guys have created! I’m sure that I will laugh and smile alone when I’m thinking of you guys… even in the dreams. X))
Cool! I love you guys! And gambateh in the final exam!

bump!

What now?

I guess i've let him go... I give myself a chance, a chance to accept others..

But, If i open my heart again, sigh would it be the same like my old case? Or..something different?

If i say, i like him...erm, actually is another him...what will he think of?

Now, i'm pressing myself from being showing my true feeling. Kindda easy to do that, just forget and pretend... but, recently, he really made me worry...

I don't know.

And i don't wana know...

suicide is painless?

Things get so complicated lately, especially dealing with my family members. Suxx is all on word I can describe about my feeling. They keep relate me with problems which I don’t think is very very important, it’s just a small matter but they keep it long and lasting and forever. Just like this case. OMG, just gimme a break la!! I promise I can do it, I sure I can make it! And, my study is nothing kindda related to these things. I just don’t understand why they keep telling me not to do this and that,. I KNOW what I am thinking and what decision I’m going to take. Okey, I admit that in this case is really my fault! But, please don’t make it serious and relate it to my study, Fuck lo. I hate people accused me with a thing that which I don’t really meant it.

These days, my mood really down to zero and I have limited tolerance. I know the reasons, and I’m still searching for the best solutions. I keep pushing myself to the limit, and make myself happier than usual, act like nothing ever happened, yes, I did it! But whenever I’m alone and alone and alone again in my room, those problems keep coming heading towards me, it’s just like the rain that will never stop. I really don’t know what to do… and I nearly…

Someone save my life. And I do appreciate him. Thanks. A LOT. I f not I don’t think I can see the world today. X)

Someone asked me to write my happy episodes in this blog. But I need to explain here that, I don’t and can’t find any suitable place for me to release my stress, so blogging is one of my way to express out what I feel bad. I just think that you guys can see my happy face everyday, so I need not to emphasis here again, lols… and now, you guys can see what a bad days I gone through lately… so soo-o-rry, no happy news here… x( maybe one day I will try to do that!

reformat me,please

*You're the one who broke my heart,
you're the reason my world fell apart,
you're the one who made me cry,
yet I'm still in love with you and
I don't know why..*

I M A DAMN.
Gimme a damn.

Sorry, my brain get stuck in every way it is.Im done.Im broken.
Is not that i don't wana try,is not that i have offence,
but i need to clear off something on my mind and heart before i start a new relationship.
I need to know whether he likes me onot before i can let go everything..
i need to know!
but,i m not dare to ask,even face him...
so,i need sumore time...
i just can't take my heart away,its too hard..sorry x(

everyone askd me hu is him.
1)he's not the one who you think.
2)repeated:not the one who you think...all wrong.
&&&
i wont tell.
reasons:
1) i had promised myself.
2)world war three will start
3)im not perfect
4)i dunwan our frenship to end like that
lastly,i dunwan him to avoid me.

thats all for my explanation.
thx @.@

my [h]ero

"Just let me ask you somet hing,if I happen to walk out of this room right now and never come back, and just forget everything and leave it all behind, would you be okay with that?

Because I have 5 steps till I close this door and you have 5 seconds to make up your mind,starting now..."

I'm only me. That is all I can be. No more, no less, dont second guess. I love, I live, I laugh, I cry. I've wished sometimes that I could die. Some days I'm funny, others I'm not, sometimes I'm overact and I can't stop. You may not like me, but that's okay because this is me and how I'll stay.

Every girl wants a Prince Charming, and while he may be nice and all, I'm thinking that I'd rather have the guy that's gonna call at 4 in the morning just to say hi.

Or someone who will stop by my house after just hanging up the phone because he wants to see how I'm really doing, because I said I was fine, but we both know I'm lying.

Or the guy who'll stay home on a Saturday night with me because I'm sick.

That guy, that one guy, he may not be Prince Charming to anyone else... but he'd be my hero.

My "knight in shining armor."

Anyone who'd rather stay home on a Saturday night and hold my hair while I puke...

that's a hero.

As Not Usual x)

Windy day~

So far,so good.The art of letting go and support him from the behind store,is always the best choice.

:)

Seeing him smile so broad,always make my days as bright as the stars.

Assignments,i'm coming!!I'll do my best and concentrate 99% on it.

Another 1%?Relaxing,cause it's so stress when u don't even have ideas bout what to write and present.Hish.

*wink*

Today,i went to TESCO and KFC.Bought one orange juice,cookie crips,a cup of tomyam maggi mee,chipsmore "double chips" and one bottle.Hhheehe.

My dad kept reminded me,"wear mask"..==okey.

And "don't go to crowd places"..==okey okey..

These few days feeling so dizzy,and i have tried to sleep early,like 12 am?Den the next morning still feeling so sleepy..especially in the English lectural class.Gosh.

Today,went to Karen's house,one motive : Sleeping!

Tho its just 15 minutes but already can kept me awake.Cool,her place is the nice spot to take a nap.Hehhe.Thanks Karen!Muachxoxo!

*i wana stay besides you,but i think her presences already can makes you feels better :)*

the [l]as[t] time

I think i need to let go him,as i know he's now so blissful and happy with her.I'm okey with that as long as he's happy,as long as he feels the happiness when he's with her.At least,she can brings him a wonderful and colourful life to him.I will accept the truth,and pray for them.Lols.

Finally,i can smile.A broad smile. :) maybi.

I am willing to let go.
I never felt this heartbroken before.Maybe,this is what i called,loving him secretly..i maybe don't have the chances to tell him i like him.
Being friends with him,is my pleasure and i'm so happy..
I can live without him..i think i can make it.Y?coz,seeing him so happy also make me happy..
^^
Again i repeat:gurl,loves him deeply,don't let him go as i won't let him fall into you again.I swear.

brief feelin'

Learn to be stronger.

Learn to be tougher.

Learn to control emotions.

Learn to let go...

I'm feeling so lazy this few days.
Always sleep.

Tian Li.Be more tough,you can do it!
Learn to let him go.You two never start before.He don't even realise your present.You'r just a normal friend to him!!!
Gosh..

I can make it through today,but i don't know whether i can make it through tomorrow or not..
o.O

My Heart Is Beating *dup dap*

It's so hurt to see you.
It's so sad to know that you are right in front of me,yet u belong to other.
It's like,a thounsand of knife stabs into my heart,and again, this feeling is coming back to me.

He don't know.And i'm still confusing myself.I like him?Or it's just a feeling.Or wad?

I accept that he's no longer belongs to me.
I accept the reality,because,we never started before,i never confess to him before.So,just let it be..

Maybe,loving him secretly will help our friendships keep going on..i will not confess to him.I will not,funny,because..he's already belongs to other lucky girl :)
Just..i hope,that girl will loves him deeply,give him all her loves..if not,i will take him away..

*teardrops on my guitar*

chao~

leave me,the best way

It's 12 a.m

And,im still onlining.Ignoring those instant messages.Sitting alone inside my room.

Wondering and so confusing at the same time.Can't resist what i feel anymore,it's begin to grow larger and larger.Feeling suffocated again.

This feeling,is coming back to me again.What i'm gonna do?

Choices?no.I only have one choice.Let it be,leave it.

I think,i like someone.And i keep telling myself,we're impossible.Yeah.I'm almost done with that.I'm so dying inside.This kind of feeling keep pushing me to the limit.And i keep controlling myself from being in love again.This kind of feeling is so hurt.The main question is,i think he don't likes me.Thats all i can think about.

So,i surrender before i fight.Cause,i know i'm not good enough for him.So, let go is the way,the only way i can choose.The best way i can decide.I'm so useless.I will be regreting.I think i will..

This kind of feeling is so confusing and had gimme a tonnes of impact.I keep emo-ing myself.I'm done,I keep telling myself,enough!Stop this.But,i just can't..

You like her.That will be your answer.

gettin' tired [DOT]

wassup.

It's weekends again!! ;)
Ntg to do.Sleepin?Neh,busy preparing for next week presentations.Wa.
Tired to do dy la.
Afterwards need to go to Teoh's house.COMPUTER STUDIESsss grrrrrrr!!

Then,this evening plan to wash Matt gor's car.Dai lou.Hahhaz!
Actually wana play water..hehe.Sure fun like hell.Release tension!
HAHHAahahahAHAHA!

X) PEACE.and Chao till now~

im weird.so wat?!

All of sudden,i felt so tired,and dissapointed towards myself.
Maybe i called this,mood swing.
Emo swinger.
Tired of pretending.[Im dying inside,.yet im smilling outside]
They said,i am good at smiling better than emo-ing,but i feel,i can't make it anymore.
Maybe just leave me alone.For today.
Im just getting tired.

Sigh alot.
Theres one thing keep running on my mind!
Actually,i don't know how to say this,
I am enough messy myself,so..
plus my friends problems,really keep me headache!
I just wana say,i am willing to help if i can..but if you keep pushing yourself in this well,nobody can help you anymore..just,let go..

sSO EMO NOW!BURDEN INSIDE KEEP KILLING MYSELFf

*messy*

one button,two needles.

Just like one man,two women.

Kindda confusing and things just went wrong and wrong.Everything seems to be not in the same line anymore.Gosh.

History repeated again,but things just not happend on me.Is another unlucky girl.

I am just wondering,whether..all man are the same or is there any odd one?Her real-live-taking story is just basicily worst than mine. At least,mine was not the No.1.

Everything happend nearly on the same time&same year.One button,two needles.This is just as suck as the toilet's bowl!== Can't imagine everything hapend for one reason : Playboy

Hell yeah,he is the Jerk,he COUPLE i said,COUPLE with two girls at the same time,really makes me wanna feed him my middle fingers on both hand.LOL.damn him!grrr.

I JUST CAN'T STAND TWO THINGS:

A)JERKs

B)SMOKERS

as the first rank is JERKs..sigh.I really admit that i will hate JERKs for the rest of my life,No matter what reasons..He's still a JERK!grr.

As she told me her story plus crying..i was like..geezz,there's such man! And what i did was.,cried together,cause she reminded me of my old self. I've been cheated too. So, i told her, just cried.LOL,funny was, we laughed together .. haha!

To my dear friend,

Well,everyhting happend for a reason,u will make it through the toughest time.You can.And that jerk,GB HIM.==.

He's not worth a half cent,It's up to you to decide everything..

I just dunno what else can i do for you,but im mentally support you!

gambateh x)

tagline: smile for a better tomorrow,cheersss!

last word: I HATE SOMEONE

Sigh,so down..

Maybe it's Saturday night again.Assignments and examinations really screwd me up,i'm like a..corpse.but the diff is,im alive..==

My head&brain so messy right now,wana shout out loud for no reason,sob!
Next monday=maths test.and God bless!^^

What the hack luhs,im so downnnnnnn.The problem is,i can't found any reason for my sadness.Just,maybe kene pissd-off by someone i really care.ZAR dao.

Eargh..listening to this song:Ni Hen Ai Ta by F.I.R really make me wana run to the lake and swim across it!huhu.

Fine.Study time..

p/s:i hate someone~
T.T

This Is So Tiring..

Well,week 7-8 or so on will be having mid-term test.Or maybe quizeees?LOL.
Haven't prepare yet,but will start doing right now..(rightnow can be tomorrow)kehkeh..

Sat&Sun are the days that i feel much empty and alone most of the time,kindda miss my frens.Well,actually i can day dreaming alone in my room,without anyone interupting..cool.kehkeh!

I feel happier with them(ta10),at least i can laugh till my face cramp,till my head drop.hahha.
TA10,i love you.really,trust me *wink*.

Him?okeh luhs,nothing much to describe..I still don't know what he means by the tagline on his msn..i noe what he wrote,but i donno who is he talking bout.But,i thought maybe me?Or im too sensitive?You cant blame on me,sometimes,my feeling is correct,and this prove a lot of times..


Nothing much to write..next week is my public speaking presantation..wala~
wish me luck.and till now..chao~

Blue Wednesday(dot)

I just don't wana be another foolish.
Another foolish!
I'm just a .. a.. normal human being,a gurl.A gurl who has her own feeling inside and she is she.
I just don't wana be another gurl,the same gurl in his life..
This is so hurt..

Don't say you love me.Don't say you like me,if i'm just a "shelter"..cause,you don't even have the feeling towards me.....>.<

when i called this a MATTER!

I think i'm so selfish.Only think of myself.I never ,always never realise that other peoples still have theirs felling.Im so..

can;t continue for the next word

being SACARSTIC.

"Each of my days was passed with a lie.."

coughing very badly right now,its been about 3 weeks im in Perak. Sad and happy at the same time.Happy because i knew so many friends and let me passes each wonderful day even some of them is irritating or confusing myself.Im ok with that,i am still happy.Sad because dad and mom are making me more suffering and i can't breath anymore.They don't seem to trust me anymore. I know im so far from them and they seemed to wana move me to Kl.I'm so unhappy, they should let me make my own way,they should trust me, they should know i will be responsible for my life..let me be indepenent,even if i had made one mistake they should not forever not to trust me.This is a sad issue!

I lied to them a lot.They make me wana lie to them,cause they will not trust me anymore if i said the truth.They will think im fooling around here.But im not.I just wana make my life happier than usual.I lied to them for a good reasons.I really don't know how to act..its so hard and tired.. gosh..

hurt-ty

im so sad.

im so unreactive,im useless,im so blue,im nothing at the end.
if you ask me why im so straight thinking,i would like to say,dats me..im learning how to be indenpendent..i dont try to be dependent on other ppl..but somehow,im just still the same on others eyes.

someone turn on me.snab a knife on my back before discussing with me.im now so damn mad.crazy mad.if tey or she dont like the way im doing can tell me before letting my parents know.this kindda like boikoting.so stupid lo.

i,dnno how to describe myself now.kindda down.i dont even have the feeling to study.y?y tis happend on me?i hate them,or her,the one hu boikoting me.

skip breakfast,lunch.dinner?ill kao tim myself..
even..i dont feel like wana have lunch or dinn with my fren from the same state..

you noe..tis feeling is kindda,like suiciding....maybe one day i cant stand,i will..
by the time..i think tey still think im the same..NTG WILL CHANGE.im sorry

I'M SO USELESS

bran[d] ne[w] da[y]

okey.

kindda,miss the old days,where i have a space to count on.but now?

my new
life nw will be in the campus&hostel.
all by myself is the new quote or word in my dictionary.LOl

Now i am studying in kampar perak.the UTAR.and currently living at the westlake under Danish House sdn bhd.is kinda like a hostel.

Utar?oh,is a big U.with amazing scenary.at first peoples might tot dat Utar in kampar is situated in a rural place with no modenation or sort of,include me!
but,after seeing for the first time.it was like a BOOM!I never notice dat,it was so awesome,its so big till we nid to walk bout 10-15 minutes to the canteen or cafeteria(block c) from the heritage hall(block a).

oh,i still cant find out where is my class.sh*t.next monday need to attend the very first class.so nervous..gosh!i tink today i will cycle to the U to find out where is it!hehehe.

sigh.westlake is just situated bout 1.5km from the Utar.So,i think i will either cycle or take the Utat bus there.ok,lets talk bout the transport things!cycle is a good activity,but for a freshie or pre-cyclelist like me,its just too tiring and..i hope it wont be a nightmare for me cause now im having aching all over my short legs.lol.the Utar bus?um,we actually need a thing or paper called kupon/ticket to take the bus.its just cost bout..70c?for each trip.if you take go and back,its..1.4r.correct?sigh.till now i still cant understand the schedule.i dnno wat time will the bus coming to the westlake and the time where it will come to fetch us in the Utar.hack!

okey.i've cycle all the westlake.not too proud..hiahiahaa!
westlake.inside it had..tsing hua,oxford,manchester and yale.tsing hua and oxford is the most happening place,where you can find a lot of students hanging around even after 8 pm.So do we(yw,felicia & me)lol.hanging around means cycling and..watever it is la..

foods?well,is kinda hard too.if im in the u,ill go to the canteen.if im at my house..i might calld a delivery or cycle witf m fren to the nearest stalls,tired la everyday thinking bout the food.huh,so..the maggi cup will be my next target.hahaha!

ntg is important than moneyssssss.here,we need money.foods,bill,um..and emergency oso.
maybe some of my fren is living in the u with hostel and food provided everyday with no charge.i said maybe.

here,i learn to be indenpendent.ok.end of this blog,i will say that...
im feeling really excited for the next monday.huahuahua!

till now,chao.and..gudluck wish to myself lo,*wink*.

p/s:no pic provided coz no camare..dun have the intend to bring too,later go borrow people one..lol.chaoO~

thazzit'*!

Finally,things will be going to the end,n you will need to make the decision,no matter what fer a acceptable reasons..

Everyone is goin on their diffrent path of ways..include me!No matter what kind of road,what is the "taste" of the road,all the challanges that are coming on..you need to accept it.Goes with the flow..not to against it.That's the rule.

I started to miss all my frens,the road to my school,the gate..the huge tree outside the gate,where i used to be waiting there fer my parents to pick me up,where i used to date with my boi.i missed the coridor which is beside the gim,.where,i used to joke with my fren while walking back to the class.i missed the basketball court,where we're used to play basketball together tho i'm not a pro..i missed the od,where all the shows were presented there,its the most comfortable place ever in the skooll..i missed the skoll library,the teachers room,the canteen,the gimnasium,the porch,the..well everything!!

I'm going to further my study,i hope my decision is correct in choosing the right course..and i guess i will be missing here..this place,sigh*..
speechless...

Theres a huge burden inside me..maybe i should let go my burden.Yesh,my spm result.That the vital crisis memory i ever went thru..I will keep that in my mind,as a moral thingy,which remind me not to go back to the road!I can do it..

Guys,good luck..have a nice journey..chao~ till now..:)

i'm dying inside

so tired of everything..
feeling so useless and helpless.
i got no frens to talk to..
even,i can tell them bout my prob,i choose to leave it alone in my heart,
cause,its the safest place ever..
hiding in a dark and deep place..
darkest&deepest.

tey are so much more better.mayb i'm the one hu is just too bad quality compare to them?
slowly.i was forgotten by them,day by day..year by year..
just varnish..
its hard to find a true fren..
my true fren is the one hu i can/feel wana talk to her/him bout my personal probs without tey asking me..let me make my move first..
let me open my heart first..

now,i was feeling so down..damnly so blue..
angel..
help me to go through tis..

monday blue?ehe!

To success,there are so many roads you can choose,just one way ticket to the road of success.
Either by long,short,tough,smooth or..etc.
All will bring you to the success if you are fully with determination!
One thing different is,there are so many type of roads.

Y ppl feeling unsecure about future?Feeling so sick bout them?Missed the past so much?
Cause,you had gone through them.Again,you feeling unsecure bout future cause you never know and will not know wat the road you will be going...

Why did i say cause you had gone through them?
Bcoz,in the past..you had walked on the happiness road,hurt road,shameful road..etc,but its all the past..when ya thinking bout it again,you will feel so blissful,coz you still alive,thinking bout those sweet and sad memories..right here,right now..
You like those memories..which gav you a strength to live your life..

Felling unsecure.Cause,you haven't step into the future,you dont know wat yr life will be,thatz the problem!Even myself...
But,lets collect those yesterday memories..and make it an experience or strength to step on the next roads..

Nothing will be imposibble!

cal[m] blue

Its about 1 weeks since we had breakup.Yes.Is me and him.I thought he would be the last,or at least 1 year.But,i never thought,it only took us about,7 months and double couple days before our celebration for the next 8 month.

Theres been a lot of questions stick on my mind since i got my result.Friends success or goodnews got me hurt day by day.I can feel thousands of knifes snabbed into my heart.Right in the middle!!I was rarely contact with them.Maybe i want to be alone,calming myself down,before i can move on to the next step!But i can't stop here,right now!

I told myself that i need to move on.Keep on move on,till the end!Show to them that i can do it.Yes.I can!However,this is too tiring.Those news get me down to the bottom of earth everytime.Each time i want to stand up,theres some force that pull me down again.This is so shit.I really need a rest...in a sarcastic way nway..huhhu!

OKEY.My next target.Concentrate in my study!I choose acc finally.Not any science subject like bio nmore!I need to give up.Cause i lose my scholarship,I dun hav a great grade for my chemistry.I wish i could dropped it!lol.So,bussiness and acc is the best choice though i'm not so interested in it.I don't like it,but i believe,my feeling on it will bloom day by day.Try to fall in love with maths and calculating.I WANT TO FALL IN LOVE WITH MATH!!!grrrr.

I gave up on science BUT I love to know about biology.I believe,if i got bio course,i will study damn hard,cause its my fav subject.nOT TO SAY i will not try hard for acc,i wil,just need sometime to adjust!But,let's think bout it gain,if i wasted so much money on it,and in the last..i can't find any..i mean,is kinda hard ezit?except you r a professional.If acc,many company want it.rite?So,let's forget my "likeble subject" focus on the "marketing subject"..kk,ppl out there with science course must whack me afterwards.Hhehhe.Well,any job had their own way to survive..so,
If you feel smthng wrong with above,forget wat i write..PEACE!!

This few days i can feel like my love life had gone.Its all were the history.Past.All those boys who used to tackle me up,had gone to somwhere.Heaven maybe.So,this time i'll be alone once again,nothing special.Just hanging around with my mom a lot.We joking,chatting..fooling each other.Cause i know i dun hav time for it later on.Hhheege!

Is kinda boring to be alone,but..i guess i'm feeling okey with it!At least no more worrying about my partner.I used to care so much bout my last boy,I feel like i had forget myself.He?Caring guy too,but..his caring is kindda,i can't feel it!Let say,his caring is kinda tighten yr soul.Like,exm:"I wanna go for a party tonight",his replying was like:"oh,ok.dun be naughty.."Fine,If my boy know me.He wont askd me to be like dat!He should know who's me?He should know my heart always belongs to him."Oh?normal?"
C'mom!He used to told me the same things almost everytime i went out!!Like i'm a cheap girl!!I need a break!I need freedom,Is kinda sad to know when our work or mind is not done,but need to care for other people.Feeling guilty if not helping or caring,since we had a relationship,Oww.Im selfish?Nah!!If i'm selfish,i won't care for him dy.So tired..gave up early is the best choice.NO discussion with him.Cause i know i won't change my mind with my last desicion.Kindda cruel,but..if you want us to be togethere where i was sad..he's happy.NO MEANING AT ALL!!loll.

Alone is freeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...weee.I like my life rite now!!!

depressed.so DAMN.

stress-out.

tired.hell.cry.pain.hurt.ALL.

Last time,i thought he's a mosses.He will stuck in the future.Cause,he din apply,nothing he will get.No coll,no university for him..is kinda hard for him..

Now,i'm a nerd.Cause, the one hu apply the U,but not gettin any of them,is me.

He mayb will be goin to overseas.Good for him.N i'm getting jealouse.Kia-su punye pasal!!

From now on..just depend on myself.Stand with my own feet.No fate,no destiny.

Just myself!

Mom gettin' bad mood each day.Plus today,cause his mom trying to show-off.Yah.normal,hu's mom not happy to see their son gettin' full house.I'm just the.."keh-leh-feh"..chinese word nway.

So blue and "hot" today..nearly cried in front of mom.Trying to convince to her dat..i will try my best in the coll later.Dun worry.I will still be goin to overseas,i will!!!I won't break your heart again.Den went to the toilet..cried inside..ta-ma de..lol.asses!!

gotto' tell him.

Well,he sent me a msg yesterday.He said,he hope i will reply his msg.Cause,i din reply him.
I m still thinking,should i let him go?Or explain to him wat i want..
but last i reply to him:sorry busy with U.
Yah,currently,im so busy with dat.And,though i had a space to msg him,i will not do dat.Is kinda like a force dat dont want me to msg him.Mayb the spm result affluence me a lot.I just wana study.Maybe i want a smart bf?Hu can help me in my life.
Saying he's not good enaf.Yah,he's not so..clever.well,dat's not the deal actually rite?Love somone,should accept the goods and bads,rite?
Yah,i do.
A lot of time.Ppl said,pisces is the one hu will close one eyes when saw the bad side of the other.Yah.I can accept that.Cause im doing rite now.But the more i do,the more i feel unsecure.
I admit dat,when he want me,he will msg me.Xample,when he's sick or accdnt,he did msg me!sigh.Dat make me feel,im just the one hu only care for him when he's sick.im not important.Where is he when he's happy?I feel like i still dnno him alot.And there a distance betw us.A LOT.I..tolerate a lot.Everytime i feel like wana talk to him bout our relationship,i was like..no,i can't.Im so scare that he will hurt.But i never thought bout myself.When i want somone to talk bout,to share,to advise me..to debate,.no its not HIM..
so..just let the GOD arrange..

Im not shame to hav a unclever bf.Its just..i want sumone hu can be my tutor.as well as a bf.I feel,im the one hu..tolerate more.I do everthing alone..He's a nice guy..I should not let him go..but i don't wat to hurt him deeper..he should had other nice gurl..

[tomorrow will be better]

Diff betw smart/clever and idiot/stupid.

How to classify them?So,both of them still hav the diff and the distance is so far and long to reach rite?How to make them to be togehter>?

Still,distance is the huge problem.Clever never can be mixed with stupid.

Clever,mostly ppl will praise them.So,how's the clever thought bout themselves?About the idiot one?To the world?The ppl around them>?
Did they wana mixed with the stupids?

Stupid,mostly ppl wil treat them like dried grass on the field.No success,no mercy,no brain,no fren,no watever the clever had.

YES.maybe NOT.i dnno.

sumone,tell me..m dying over here..
kk,nobody will read this blog nway.lol.

*lalalalxlala!

final thought

It had been about one week since we had never contact each other.
Yah,one week.I dun have the feeling to contact him,plus,currently online-ing searching for universities,colleges that can fit me in.Finding my way or a place there.So tired and frustrating.As,i am confusing and choosing betw business/acc/medical sort of.Headache.And what kind of Us/Colls are suitable.

Well,some of you might have been thinking that i should at least contact him,yah my beloved,to share my thought and so on..but,he also never contact me either..so,let's just make this whole week a..rest time for us,a time for us to think,whether we still fit each other or not..

I bet he must busy packing his stuffs to be ready to move to KL.Yah,he's goin to shift.
Den,we dun hav time to met each other..I dnno it's a gud news or not.Still all the best.And may GOD bless him.

I am not going to do something that will lead me to a regret road.Tried it(break-up) more then once,even twice.Yah.Love stuff.Before decide it,i had to think twice..yes.I need to tink bout it..
(haven decide yet,dun wory)

Mum dad,thanks.cause gimme one more chance to proof that i can do it.I promise i will do it better this time!!!love you both till the end!!

mwah.xoxo.

bloody dey.

I had changed.You can say,maybe a few days,
How come,i feel like a thousand years??

Dear GOD,
Lend me the strength.Give me the light..Show me the way..

Just now,i opened the computer.Saw some website that just typed by my dad.(sharing computer)
And,the website:www.."chinesetemple"..or what "praying."
What's dat?Wana bring me there??
Dad,i just got 3A's.Why act like..im being posseses sort of??
It's just..i don't worked hard..

Dad.Im okey!!

this making me hurt..feeling ALONE.

why?my bad dreamt just started ezit?

oOhpinion

Haha,Call me stupid.call me nerdy.
I am an ungrateful person.
Dun want to mention nmore.Tired.
Tired.
Tired.
Breaking up soon.
I will..
I am too tired..everything..

Nobody will or can help me..include him.I don't know dear..
Gimme summore time..
Just summore to,.. to see whether,we still can b together or not..
The problem,is just me..AAGAIN.
I can't do it..I just..wanna free myself...
We're just not suitable..

GUESS SO.

Iam trying to fix it.
lol..

deservation

yah.TRULY.i'm deserve.
All relatives started to call.And.I don't know..
Now,i am just like..AIDS patient.Everybody,include my parents..
started to show me their sympthoms of "disqualification" on me.
Getting depress.
I guess.in one-3 months..i will DIE immedietly..
So,now.i really hope to go to ANY university asap.

Depressing.
Yah.i know my fault.I know i deserve it.
Yah,i varnished yr dreams..
Yah,I am ungrateful personn..
So,now i hate myself..much..

But,why my parents?
I just,need yr support on me right now.
Yah,true..they are angry,dissapointed,shamed,.etc..list go on..
but,to tell you the truth..i want to CONTINUE my studies.
Dats all.

I promise.I will prove to you dat,I can success!!Beat those in U.Trust me!!
JUST ONE CHANCE!!

Now,Im fighting and encouraging myself.ALONE.
Seems like,theres only myself in this world.
I am ok.I will go on my life..

If,I am brave enaf..i will not in this world..anymore!!
For what i live?
For my parents,to show them..to prove to them.I CAN DO IT!

*its not the end of the world.just start a new chapter.change!its just a punishment.i can accept it,i wont give up*

nobody will trust my dream,and support me nmore.i just nid to trust myself.
its a lotsa burden..i can..coz i cant do it half-way..
if not.i will more hate myself..

what bout IF?*gain*

If I just want you to love me.Love again,for a day.Just a day..
Will you?
I won't expect so much..

If,i can pull bck the time..all the..past..
I will..
but i know.i can't do that..for my own selfishness...

Q:Ru happy rite now..in,your present now?All the best.YW.

dear god,
please save my soul..

how will my life begin?

Im too much hypocrite in myself.
Tis is so irritating and disgusting.
I started to hate myself.
Cause,i mss him so much.I just want him to msg me/call me.to care me.EVENTHOUGH,i had
hurt him last time.We're ex.
Am i too..too selfish?

I dn't know what i want.
Sometimes,i want him to by myside.Sometimes,i want to be alone.
Till just now,i feel..i rely want to talk to a person.
I want to have a chat.to tell my heart..to bring out the worst story in myself..
And,the person hu i can think,hu i tink is suitable..is only him..
He knows me more than i know myself.He don't know dat..

My bf?I don't know.I m confusing...
That the reason y.i decided not to im or msg my ex.
I am too scarry..scarry creature.
Just now,i had open his im..but not dare to type anything.
I was so hesitating.So scared dat he gonna say,"when ya in trouble,you noe how to find me..."
Am i selfish?
IM SORRY.

*my future*DO I HAVE ANY FUTURE?

Well,
I'm still alive huh?lol
Yah,today.12march2009.A sad day.A historic day.A critical day.
I just can't imagine,till now..the truth that i'm having right now.
I just only damnly got 3 A's.Shit.

At first i was so shocked.I was standing there..shocked.I don't know whether my face looked pale or not.But i guess YES.
Far from what i targeting.I really..hope that i am dreaming.But i can't.Seeing my frens..
I was..then looked at myself..so pathic.
And one thing,est.shit.how come i can't get A?

Still typing wif lotsa regret on my mind now,so regret..
Everybody,my bro,mum,dad,teachers,frens..all,shocked for what i've got.
N .. to tell you the truth.yes.i deserve..i deserve for the result.

You know wat..i got a moral value from the result..
I really mad at myself..really!!!
Im not appreciate for what i have..for what i had..gosh.
*blurry and teary*

to be continue..

L.I.F.E

Ladies and Gentleman,

Here I am. Writing this post.Yah.completely very down right now. I don’t know why. There’ve been a lot of thing suddenly messes up my mind lately.

Until last night, I had a..sms-fight with him.LOL.rite.I’m just unsatisfied with him.Reason:he’s not there when I really needed him like hell.When I’m so depressed,where-is-he?

I don’t know my destination.My life would be like what,what kind of roads I need to pass.What kind of challenges will be coming on my way?What is the purpose of living?What I want right now?Where should I go after this??

It’s a lot of stupid and easy questions,but,I can’t even have the answers..
So pathtic,right?

Business?or medical?choose.
Driving is a pressure or a hobby?
Working or studying?

Now my brain seemed like loaded with the information of collages and university.And now, worrying about SPM result.What if I don’t get the satisfied result?Damn-it!

Until just now,I heard a song.Gimme a lot of mind-thinking.Make me realize something.We should appreciate what we have right in front of us.Song tittle:Chong Lai by Sam Lee.Meaning,Once Again.
Sometimes I got the inspiration from Songs and Quotes.Even Idioms or Poems.
Now,its a song.
The comment from a viewer:
“Human will only think of the good of your partner after everything has ended..”
Maybe that was right.It happened a lot of time.Even in drama,you can see a lot.Even in real life..right?

“When 2 persons r still together, normally we'll think only the weaknesses of the relationship..”
Just like what had happened to me and him.I’ve been thinking that he doesn’t care ‘bout my problems..maybe he did,but I am the one who not realize ‘bout that..Maybe all this time,I just care about my feeling.till I fogot about him..his perfectness and all the good things..

“So,think more of the strengths of your partner instead of weaknesses when 2 persons r still belong to each other..”
Yah.That was right,now,we still be together,so why not just..Apreciate it.I just doesn’t want to regret later..gosh..after my stupid attitude and all childish thingy..I’ m sorry..

“And since everything has ended, it will be useless to look at the good...n forget the weaknesses. Life is looking forward not looking backward...”
Since everything had passed, just let it passed. It’s no meaning for looking back. Just make it a lesson, and life goes on. Future is the main point and the goal!!


See. How a comment can make me realize something. I usually hypnotized myself like that. Something likes counseling myseslf.lol.
Funny. But true.

Honey, I’m really sorry bout what I’ve done. I know I shouldn’t say something like I hate myself. It’s because I want to attract your attention and careens omly.Sorry.I will learn to love myself. I will not cry anymore. I promise to face the problems bravely. Not hiding myself..

Love my family and everyone. Sorry.

what's the end?

"I can't see any clue.Not even one.So,honey tell me what's going on right now?"

Now i realise,i'm not so understanding.I don't even know what's is he thinking.
I hate myself so much!

It's been a few days since we never contact.I've tried to message you,but no reply.
What's going on?Am i too selfish,caring my self-problem,and leave you behind?Well,if i do,sorry dear.Today is valentine day.Please reply me.I do care!

You make me remind of my ex.He did the same thing.Before he dump me,he close his phone,not replying my message.Or answering his phone.He used the lame tactic ever.And i later get to he returned to his ex girlfriend..how 'bout me?
I'll be alright,just a broken heart.Take time to heal the wound!

Now,i just don't want history to repeat.Don't tear my dreams...
Tell me,even if you wana breakup,just tell me..
Don't make me hate LOVE.

I trust you.You are not that kind of person.

With love,
I'm me.