Saturday, October 5, 2013

Nice stuffs.

Back to hit the blog with some nice stuffs! ;)

I'm currently smashing my brain with this new wishlist. Hehe. A HIGH HEEL ANKLE BOOT!
Falling in love with this shoes. OK, going to drain my wallet for this! It looks so nice and stylish, especially those with belts and something around it. But ain't going for bling-bling one. Some pictures for what is high heel ankle boots.. :)

Thursday, October 3, 2013

sad songs

Listening to sad songs when you're already sad only to end up feeling worse..



Wednesday, October 2, 2013


I'm back to activate my blog. I'm here, again.

This time, October 2013. Soon will enter 2014 after 3 months. Another year pass. I can feel how this year end so fast, so fast. What will my 2014 be? I guess, the coming road will be harder to cope, but as I said before, nothing can actually beats me down, I've go through the worst, and I'm able to stand back,. why wouldn't this time? Come what may..

Currently at hometown. Wisely using this time to re-think my future again. What path I'm going to take. Seriously. Because, someone reminded me how to plan. Plan for the best and worst. Will be right back to you peeps after figure it out. :)

Still have friends asking about the relationship bet. me and him. No one actually knows what happen to us in the end. Some close friends knew about it. But, it doesn't matter.. I'm still learning how to let go. I'm still holding the ring that he gave me. The one that I keep asked him to buy for me. Not willing to throw away yet, why? Because I'm still learning how put down all the memories and feelings (they can't be forgotten).

What if he comes back for good? I will still say no. I don't deserve him. I doesn't want to go back to the past, anymore. It brings a thousand pain memories that I can't even forgive myself. What I can do now is, slowly letting go. If, oneday.. I throw it away.. please congrates me, because.. I finally found my freedom. :) "born again"

It did brings heartache, pain and regret. But this taught me something. "value your loves one".

To another him:
I'm sorry for my ignorance. You asked me, if I was given a chance, will I do it again? Answer is, no. I will not do it again, I rather not the meet you. But I'm not blaming anyone. What is going to happen will anyway happen. And it happen for some reason. Which is a lesson. Until now, I'm still learning how to forgive myself.

So many thought..

So many thought, yet so little words.

It's true that, When you do something right, no one remember, When you do something wrong, people will remember for the rest of their lives.

I love her, but the way she mentioned it, God please don't keep on remind me on that. I know my failure moments, but it's not that I want it, and I'm trying to move on and correct it. But whenever I'm moving forward, or in a comfort zone, something or someone will surely came up and remind me of that.

Is that a sign for me not to forget about my past? Or is that a reminder? But where is the encouragement words that I needed?

I'm not a puppet. I'm planning my work. I'm worrying about my future too. But I'm not giving up. So, guys please don't give up on me too. Okey?

I hate my past. But I'm not going back anymore. Not even once. I feel "sugggggs", disgusting, stupid, childish, and etc. I'm trying to let them go no matter what. Trying to forget those unhappy moments, but somehow.. can't seem to erase everything.


Wednesday, June 12, 2013


"Clinical Depression" : Doctor use this term to describe the more severe form of depression also known as "major depression" or "major depressive disorder".

Clinical depression symptoms may include:
  • Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day
  • Loss of interest or pleasure in most activities (tick)
  • Significant weight loss or gain (tick)
  • Sleeping too much or not being able to sleep nearly every day (tick)
  • Slowed thinking or movement that others can see (tick)
  • Fatigue or low energy nearly every day (tick)
  • Feelings of worthlessness or inappropriate guilt (tick)
  • Loss of concentration or indecisiveness (tick)
  • Recurring thoughts of death or suicide
I have 7/9, which is more than a half. And I took a test, I think I have had it. Depression.

Things happen this half year. Tremendously change everything. For good.
Due to this changes, my life also change. From little things, to biggest part.
I lost half of my friends, and my lovers. Generally due to my selfish attitude. No, is due to my ego.
I doesn't want them to know. Which basically cause myself to hide from them. Avoiding.
Due to my so-called "dignity" and "ego".. I let go of my lover. Yea, my "best" decision.

Now, at this very bottom point of my life.. I feel hopeless. Fear, confuse, everything.
Something sometimes are hard to explain. I rather not explain..because it is so much hurt.
I don't feel like fighting anymore.

Sunday, October 21, 2012


Life change from this second onwards. And I'm going live with it & accept it. As what people always says, "when God close the door, He left open the window"

I admit I did wrong. And this is the punishment that I had received. I'm going with it. No doubt I feel angry and helpless with myself. But, consequences from my mistake, I'm fully take charge with it.

Let the past stay in the past. I'm going to create another new road for my future. The road shall be hard to pass through, obviously. And I believe obstacles will be coming right after this. But, deep within my heart, there is a little faith that uphold me. A little faith that support myself, support my weak knees, that hold me up whenever I feel like giving up.

What I regretted most is the disappointment I caused towards my family. Too much, and too hurt. I'm so sorry for the mistake I made. I did not make it for now, just that I need to take more longer time to realize your dreams. I'm sorry.

Next, is my friends. Sorry for the troublesome that I caused. Sorry mean nothing. But, this is the only word that came across my mind. I admit this is my mistake. But I'm not going to throw away my responsibility. I will make it as what I promised until the project done, even I could not help much.

Lastly, myself. I'm sorry to myself. For the stupidest mistake ever! For the rest of my life, I will remember it. And won't repeat the same mistake again. This time, it's really an expensive experience ever.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Nevermind. I will be OK

Colors will fade due to time and changes. So does beauty. But who can guarantee that loves will never fade?

Does true love ever fade away in reality? No, as long as both party work hard on it. If one person is always mean and hateful to the other, love can be stomped to death. But if you respect each other, try to get along and make the give and take in a relationship as equal as possible, your love will never fade. Instead, it will grow stronger. Talk is easy and this is totally bullshit.

First year, third year, fifth year.. who can confirm that our behavior and attitude will be the same as the first day we met our true love? Can we still maintain our promises that we will respect each other? Can we still remain our sweet relationship? Ask yourself now..

I just realize that, no matter how strong a relationship is... someday, somehow it gonna fade away... love in our heart seem like never grew stronger... obstacles shows that i'm getting tired of working it alone. Whenever i feel gave up, i keep on remind myself the reason that i've hold on so long on this relationship... but, it actually makes me tired.. that i actually working hard alone on it... and keep pushing myself that everything will be ok.