volume 1

Everything happen so sudden. Last night, you called me. Saying all the nonsense stuff, and we have had a bored conversation ever. Then at the end of the conversation, you was asking for forgiveness. Is that only you want? If yes, I'll forgive you. Because, it already means nothing to me. Then I hang up.

Friend, one of the friend of mine, told me everything about you. And the most shocked things is...
Oh well, you already admitted it to me. Good. Asking for the "reunion". Don't you remember the way we break? And it's almost 2 years. And you want me back? For what sack? You said it happens because a third person. Yes, it's all about 3rd person, but it wont happen until u move the very first step dear?

And now you come back hunted me? For the sake of love? I'm totally freak out and confuse.

please, don't leave me..

I missed him. Can't concentrate on studies. I'm killing myself. Two more days I'm going to have my last paper. And I really need him a lot besides me. A lot. I really need him. But. He choose to back hometown and will return tomorrow. And be both will be separate on the next day. I need his caress. I need his hug. I need how he used to joke hardly with me. I need him badly.

He really go. Even I beg also no use. Tonight will be another sleepless night. Have you ever cried while doing other things because you think of someone you miss? I did. Even study also will cry. I cried almost everyday. I'm totally sad. I just can't control my tears flowing out so easily. I hope one day he will came to my door and knocked. I just hope he can find me when he's free. But when the hope is bigger, disappointed will be larger. And last , I'm the one who hurt. Not him.

I just don't know how can I be more understand him. I'm losing my rationale. He leaved me alone here and think I can survive this disaster alone? Hell no!

Come back...

The Idiot Me

Really feel so lonely in this raining night. It's a exam weeks. Two more days gonna be in the battle field. And guess what? I did something stupid. Walked to find him. Peeped him from window. I missed him so much. So many days didn't see him. :(

Who knows, his window closed. I guessed it's raining. Yet I'm walking to his house. Sweat or not? Then I masuk front door. Not dare to disturb him. Just message him says that I missed him. I really crazy! Hmph.

Lai Tian Li. Can you concentrate on your studies? But I really can't resist when I miss him :( He stayed too far, so when I went to his house, I just sit outside. Even outside I can feel I so much near him :) That's enough. Then walked back my house. Omg. It's not the first time though. I'm brave to face the death. Really stupid idiot.

Wuhoo. Gambateh my dear friends and myself. ^^

just another day!

screwed me...fast!

Exam is just around da corner~ oh yeah~ and i'm still enjoying myself online-ing and... hanging around somewhere in my room.. fuck me up! How come? How come? I've been asking these on myself few days ago. And hacked! I ... got... problemss. Teenage problems I guess. Ah.. just another love story again.

Won't bother to tell you guys anyway... it's been told in the past few posts. FUuhh~~
I don't give a damn about it anymore! Disturbing my life and my emotional! Love thing is too complicated dy, I think oneday I maybe bare to handle it and soon collapse. Wahaha.

I will take it easy. Life is too waste to be sad enough. Like my old quotes; let it be. xD
16th will start my war. and that is taking my half mind to memorize something foreign and I still can't believe I'm taking that subject; its Japanese. Take it easy, relax~~^^v

Then, 20th, for my QT1. Where that time most of my friends already finished up their exam. And I'm will be going back hometown on 21st. It's totally different from my previous sem-break. This time I guess I did plan it well; back hometown!! ^^ be positive~~

Uhh.. just to pour my emotional here, coz no one to talk to. Alone in this creepy room~~

p/s: halo, I hate the way you move around my bed. Get lost stupid antsss. Shooo~

decided to make a decision

When something is not yours, not matter how hard you want it, in the end, it still not belongs to you. It’s same like a human. No matter how hard you have grabbed them in your life to become the special one, in the end they are not meant to be yours.

I think, you are not belonging to me. I tried to hold you and hug you tight, but I still can’t feel the thread between us. How come I still feel so many gaps? 

You are actually belonging to others.

The other who really can give you happiness.

The other who really suit you.  

The other who can make you feel much comfortable.

&& when the other is not me.

I always think that I’m not the one you want today. If everything happens last year, today I might the happiest girl in the world. We have no worries, and we can share anything. Somehow, I feel that we are adding one more bitter memory between today and a day before yesterday. It’s all because yesterday.

Yesterday, you decide to let me go.

Yesterday, you decide to love her.

&&

Yesterday, I decide to love you more.

Yesterday, I decide to hold you.

&&

Yesterday, you let her go.

Yesterday, you want me back.

These memories hunted me for a life time when we are together. I somehow think that there’s something between you and her haven’t solved. I read all your chat logs. You said you love her. But I can’t found any words that you say you want to give up? And the most sentences that make me worry nowadays was…” give me time “ by her. 

If… she is waiting for you, what should you do? Do you lose your feeling towards her? Have you let her go? If you want her back… please tell me. I guess she is much nicer than me…

If you choose to let go, I won't think twice to hold you anymore... I believe fate.

lies may kill.

I believe that to be honest in relationship is a must. When you start to lie to someone who she thinks she has the special status in your heart, this is what I so called: 
“A Not So Strong Relationship”.

Each of us has a different perspective on HONEST. To me, honest is the best way to avoid ambiguous and any confuses; in case the listener thinks too muchh. Lies do make the speaker feel much better and in case to avoid argument. But do you think that when another party knew the truth, it may kill them! I’m one of the “parties”. It kills me a lot if time. 

I’m waiting for your truth. 

 I’m waiting for you to speak the truth.

I’m waiting for you to tell me the truth.

But, in the end… I knew it by other way, not from your own mouth.

I know you lied because you don’t want me to think much, but… with our relationship, do you still don’t trust me? My ability to cope with it? but... I believe I can understand you if you tell the truth.

Am I that kind of person full of jealousy?

Am I not an understanding person?

Am I not perfect enough to know what you did?

I become more suspicious on what you did. What you said. And at last, we argue on this thing; the truth.

I hate myself for think too much.

I hate you for not telling me the truth.

And I hope I’m really the special one in your heart… please don’t make me feel disappointed and losing faith in this relationship.

n-th day: without you. && you keep on asking me to study. I did. But 24 hours in room without someone to talk to, without entertainment, without line I can feel suicide. You still don’t understand me. You have your family, job, entertainment, friends to chat, nice food to eat and so on. Me? Alone.

AS I ALWAYS SAID: put yourself in others people shoes and you can know their hardship.

why ?

Why? 

I really have a lot of thing to say. If you give me one big bottle, I think my emotional will be full than that. Going to burst out soon. I thought I can handle it properly. But I guess I will just pour it in my blog. Nobody to talk to. It seemed like I’m losing a lot of friends. And he won’t understand for what I have said too. 

These few days I think too much. It grows stronger especially in this chilly night, again. I guess the thread of fate between mine and him won’t go anywhere. I have tried to change my attitude to avoid arguments because I think my bad temper cause it. I have tried to tolerate with him even tho each time I wish he is the one who let me win without saying " I will keep quiet". But it seemed like useless. We always argue. We did, for the stupid reasons. Include tonight, I don’t know why I was like mood swing. Why must blame it on me?? He never understands my deep feeling. My inner-self. He just sees me from my outer part. Same condition as me. 

I guess it’s because we never properly sit down and talk to each other. I have tried many times. He will just said, “You think too much”, “What you want from me?” or else, each conversation will end with quarrel. And I think I’m the one who always don’t care my own feeling(ego) and trying to fix things out. Because I really want him in my life. But… its kindda tiring now. I also need my boyfriend to talk sweet words, make me happy everyday.

Today, is my bad day. Today, he looked so fierce. Today, he didn’t kid with me. Today, each of his word really hurt me. All I can do is pretend and ignore. But I have feeling. When I keep my feeling inside, I will be worse mood. And what I did was… treat him cold. He said my feeling change easily. I said, I just follow him.  The most word he used to me for today is…” What happens to you again la…(uneasy tone)?”… Will he sit down and comfort me? Will he slowly understand me? Will he hear my story and won’t get angry? Will he…..??

What really happen to us?? Are Aries and Pisces will never be compatible?? I guess so…

*p/s: hope can score for my midterm*

no MOOD omg

Recently, what had happen on us? You and I seemed to keep on arguing. I hate your childishness, and I hate myself for being so easy to forgive you. We never sat down and calm down ourselves and talk about our problems. The problem is, for you that’s not a problem, and seemed like I’m the one who only got the problem. What happen?

I just want you to be serious. I hate how you never being serious for what I’ve said. I hate how you care for others but not me. Is it their words are more important? I’m trying to tolerate. I did! But I will never satisfy if each time there’s no conclusion and I don’t know why I’m so willing to forgive you. Maybe I was thinking, we have lost each other for once, I will not let you go for the twice time… I’m stupid right?

Till now, that’s all. I’m calming down and will think who am I to you and is it worth for me to keep on going…

never be the [S]ame

others people problem is your problem, my problem you never mind.

other people word you care, my word you will never understand.

other people feeling you mind, my feeling you will never know.

other people thinking you take it serious, my problem you take it easy...

there will always be a gap between others & me.
it's not you don't care me much, is you seems to care others much.
that's what i feel... you will never be serious...
i sometimes think that, my status is lower than them much more...

TIME

I know what you want. And I also know I can’t resist you and I don’t have the right to let you do the right things. Since I’m willing to let you go home, which is your right, and I don’t have anything to comment, I know I must not complain much. At first I don’t hope it will affect our love.

 However, something that I scare the most was happening right now. Let me tell you something, even it’s only two days since the day you went home, I’m already felt unease. This feeling is indescribable. I miss you, but I tried not to think of you because whenever I thought of you out there, I will simply think once again. I keep myself busier and busier. But, the more I make myself like that, the more I start to take off you out of my mind. The more I don’t need you. Is that a good thing?

Miracle, last night I don’t have the simply thinking towards you. I don’t care what you are doing. Unlike last time, I’m always worrying. Tell you, last time, I was so suffering.

When I need you, you are far away. Even your messages are simple, seems like nothing to talk much with me. I know you are happy there, how about me?

Maybe our relationship is still not strong. Maybe I still don’t know you. I really miss you much. I act to be happy, act not to care you, for what reason? To make you think that I can survive without you. I can live happier without you. That’s so hurt. When you read this, maybe your heart will be ache too. My heart will too. Do we really need each other? Should I consider our relationship once again?

My heart towards you already reach its limit, 100% devote on you. But now, it is decreasing. I need to know, when you read this, what will you do to retain my love.  Do something to make me love you the whole again…

I need some time to calm down my feeling… I’m confused.

what can I do?

Finally I’ve updated my blog after a blue moon. Just finish midterm last week. Omg, I think my result will be very awful and terrible. Congrates to those who get high marks, and condolence for me who get lower marks then them. Shiattt… few more weeks will be the deadly final in the Year 1 Sem 1. I pray hardly hoping that I can pass those five exams smoothly and successfully, God…

Last night, I was trying to make my hair from straight to curls, and guess what? I’m supposed to use the roller, indeed I was using something more to natural, which is… toilet paper...hiakhiak~~ I saw this kind of method on YouTube where there’s no using any heat but can make our hairs curls. Great right? But the only different thing was, they are teaching using paper bags, but I’m using toilet paper. No choice, there is no paper bags supplier… Hehe…

right side view..

top view...

fugly, pimples, but just to show you it works!!

clips on how to do it...xD

This weekend gotto be a lonely weekend again. Since everyone is going back to their hometown, which I never back after this Sem started, leaving me alone again in Kampar. So sad… what can I do? My hometown is located at East coast there, except someone is willing to fetch me or accompany me back, then I’m happy to meet my mom!!! Well, he’s going back too… I hate him going back!!! I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I don’t have the intention preventing him from going home… for me, meeting someone you know for a long time is a very happy things, especially someone who have a blood tie with you… I know that kind of feeling too, because till now I want to go back to my hometown so much… no one will understand my feeling here. I don’t have anyone here, except friends. So what could you expect me to do? Actually, I really feel jealous to him… he can go back hometown… so I can’t be so selfish, I know that. It is just that, I’m worrying another thing…
It had been about 3 months since the sweetest day ever, frankly and honestly speaking, there is still one torn in my heart, the torn that can’t be taken out. I still can’t go beyond myself. What if… when he back to hometown he will go out to meet her? What if… he will chat with her since he can’t do it here? What if… he calls her? What if… what if… oh my god. I really hate myself for thinking this much but I can’t let this happen even once. I really feel so scare. I can’t bear to lose him… what if… in his heart there was me and her???

I don’t want to think so much, I don’t want to ask him, I don’t even dare to care… because I want to trust him that he loves me. But I’m not stupid and I’m not idiot for what I’ve seen. My biggest weakness is easy to be emotional. Everything will be written on my face, I want him to know that I know everything. But I won’t speak up, because I don’t want to argue again. I want him to discover my silence. Everything that he feels, I can see through… I’m easy to be sensitive, so I can feel what people thinks even they denied.

I tried to make myself busier, everyday keep on refreshing myself that everything gotto be alright, making a poison cage so that stupid feelings won’t come to attack me again. Keep remanding myself that, if he besides me, that’s more than enough, evens he has another girl in his heart, that will be okey… as long as he loves me. But… that’s so naïve... and yes, I’m that’s naïve… I still remember he said, “sorry for making baby suffer” is that means he won’t make me suffer anymore? If yes, why he did it again?

I’m totally confused. Who am I in his heart? He never confesses to me on what happen to him and her. He never is serious when I ask him the relationship with other girl. Never, if yes he will say that I think too much… and I hate myself for forcing him to answer and last, I drown in disappointing. I just hope that he can convince to me that he only loves me… but each time is I mention first. His “I love you” seems don’t brings any meaning. I need you to say it when you meant it… not when I need it…

I think, I don’t hope much… I don’t wish to control him… I want him to be free… I want him to be happy… so I will choose not to care much… dat’s all…

What Is A Promise?

I wait and wait. 

But there are no changes and answers. He did it, yes he did it forget me. This time, I keep on looking up the skies. Facing my face up, preventing those tears to drop. So that, I can save those tear for another happy things. 

Will the day come?

Little did he knows, he broke this little girl heart after putting those promises he had made. This girl thought that he will wait her forever. Those tear she is pouring is the sign that she is heartbroken… after he leaves her alone standing in the path, asking her to walk alone the dark alley… 

i'm not me anymore

~ [I] [w]ill [b]e ~

It’s been a long time since my blog updated. So many stories need to be telling, from one to thousand millions! Mid-term just passed and I guess my marks won’t go anywhere since I’ve not tried my best to score. What has done can’t be done once again. So, like my daily quote: Let it be!

Last night, something happened. Once in my life and I guess I won’t forget it! What I want to confess here is, I’m really sorry(tho I know sorry no cure) for making you guys’ troubles and worries the whole night for me. It’s my wrong and my fault! I admit here that I shouldn’t make such decision and must think twice before doing something. Thank you guys for searching me, although I don’t feel like want to meet people in such situation… that night, I’ve thought of a lot of things, from bottom to top! From the possible to impossible… and I really felt touched by someone. The ways he argued and scolded me really make me feel that, there is still a person who cares most about me. I can see those tears nearly fall in you, luckily I cried first before you, if not I’ll tell the whole world about it! LOLs, KIDDING! X) Thanks for so caring even you are not around me that time… still, why he is not him?

 

Actually I still know what I am doing, what I am thinking but in a such way, means in a way that I don’t even tried before. Walked such a long way to outside without thinking the consequences I might get. I know I’m a foolish. But that’s also not I want, I was too depressed by just only one word; Love. 

If I told you that I’ve already thought twice and decide to make a rationale decision, would you trust me? The answer might be: no. But I’ve finally can let go A BIT on those feeling towards you. Maybe is the hurt feeling too much inside myself causes me to accept those impossible futures… I’ve decided to think those nonsense things and get myself prepared for the worst. Because when the day I get the real answer, I might not hurt so deep… and realize that I’ve finally did it! And go on my life with a relief smile. I’m trying very hard now! :) 

I admit that my friend is true! I’m the one who wrong from the beginning till the end. I know where I am wrong and I realize about it. So now, I’m trying my best to recover those relationships though I know it’s impossible. I will try my best to achieve my goal. I will give you a space that you want. I will stop bothering you, asking you those questions which actually want you to reply me. I will ignore the things that will hurt me and pretend nothing ever happened. I will go on my life without you and wait until you are willing to walk on the same road with me. I know friends trying to ask me to give up, some of them also give me support, I know what you guys thinking and thanks for you all advices. I will work hard on that! Because I know he’s doing what I’m doing last time… x(

A special day is coming and I will get myself prepared for the best and worst. For the last time I think…

Cheer up stupid girl! Haha. I always said that to myself even it’s not going to work out! I will go on my days and nights without you and promise myself to smile a lot than I used to. I will love myself much better than I used to. I will appreciate myself. I will make myself happier, without you. Good luck, is the only things that I can say here.

Hope you happy always and I know you can, from the way you shown me recently, I know you’ve already did it! 

: )

upside - down = dying

Is everything will be coming to the end? I thought that is what I want, the ending that I really want so much after all things happened. But, it is just… too, making me feel upset. Why? We have talk less, interact less. Why? Maybe the problem comes from me. I talk lesser to you. Why? Because, I have nothing to say, where, what I want to say is hardly coming from my own mouth. I speak to you right from my heart where the words could not come out. This is so hard. But I make it… I less playing stupid jokes with you, I can say, no more joking and fooling around. This is so pathetic. Is this what you want? You less MSN with me, chat less, less message , everything becoming lesser and lesser. Is your feeling too like that? Is not that I want to run away or avoid from you, is I think that you have change. Can you tell me why? There is a lot of Q&A coming from my mind. But I keep shutting it down; because I knew it won’t work to think about it again and again.

How are you recently? Are you happy with you own life? Are you satisfied with all your joy? I really want to know, but I not dare to ask more, because I scare that the positive answer you given to me, will make sadder, to know that you can live without me… but I know I can’t be so selfish.

Like I always said, letting go is the best way. Talk is always better then action. And I’m one of the examples. I can’t make it tho. So, I cheated my own self. That, I can live better life, I’m totally over you, completely live without you… but each night I went to sleep with a miserable heart thinking how foolish I am.

Is the value of one girl become less when she confessed that she likes him? Is the boy won’t treasure and appreciate a girl who make that kind of move? If this is what happened on me, then, I will say – I don’t love you. I don’t love you from the beginning of that day. I’m just fooling around. Hope you don’t mind… - so that we can go through our lives like normal…

There are thousand of questions running through my mind. And this make me could not concentrated on what I’m doing. I can’t control my mood. If I never confess, I won’t be suffering thinking that he doesn’t care me. Because those feeling of liking starts to grow in my heart…

What can I do now for each of the day is just pretending how happy am I, how sweet is the world is, how good is my life, and how sarcastic myself is… starts to hate myself so much…

What is happiness? Is it only two people happy, that’s more than enough? Where is your promise again? Please check your MSN. And now I believe in one thing. Karma. God wants me to suffer from what you had suffered before, right? If it is does, then I’m fail… I deserve it…

Have a good day everyone, good luck for my friends and myself. : )

*I will keep on smiling, so that you will know how sarcastic I am*

I don't knOw !

The more I know you, the more you are different from what I’m thinking. The more I feel you are now a stranger to me. I will never satisfy for what you always done to me anymore. I like you, it is true. I like him is also true. Between you both, I will always in dilemma. Do not know who to choose because, both of you are so good. I will always think that, if he or you have both positive thinking and benefit, how much good it is. But no, nobody is perfect, I knew that. 

You, always help me if I need your help, but recently, I feel that we both are far from the future and reality. I could not find any reasons that why you like me. You said there is no reason in loving someone. It is a feeling that naturally comes. I can accept it. But, how come you can mention how good others are and what is their best spot inside themselves, how about me? Why can’t on me? You will never serious about what I am thinking even you said you never play on relationship. That always make me on fire and most of the time I’m scolding you and in the last, I was in miserable. Maybe for you, that’s the way of interacting, but not for me. Maybe for you non-verbal communication is the best way, but not for me. What I want is communication. What I want is your maturates and seriousness. Sometimes you do make me hanging halfway for not answering my question. Why you are the one who can ask me questions and request me on must answer it! But it was never vice verse on you. Why? Do you care me because it is force to? Why you are not like the old yourself, alert of what I’m feeling and understand me?

Do you understand for what I’m thinking right now? I don’t need your hug, your kiss, your intimate conversation; I just want you to understand me. Just that will more then enough. I just want you to sit with me quietly and have a comfortable chat. That is beyond than satisfy. 

Sigh. 

Another you, I just want to say sorry. I don’t mean to hurt you if I did. What I did is for three of us own good.

Happy 2010! Chinese New Year

 Finally, I’m already updated my blog huh? This year, Chinese New Year seems to be a bored, grey and quiet festival to me. Maybe I’m not going back to my hometown for gathering due to some reasons. It’s just a small physical reasons. However, they came here!!^^ Sit at home, angpau also guai-guai come... so happy! Friends are calling for yum-cha and reunion. I want it so much, but it's not on a good timing my dear because going out with relatives, how about tonight? o.O

Relatives come and go. Last night I went to watch <72 家租客> with my beloved family. Fun for sure and damn funny… all tyanlee@blogspot.com viewers will be recommended to watch this movie! ^^ wow, too many HK actor and actress made this movie damn boom! and bang! Don’t know what words I’m using, Lols.

The trailer, go watch!

Ohya my gosh, forgot to write it here, I went to Bukit Tinggi with my family on the first day of CNY. Nothing much to play there and it's quite suitable for older people to have some rest there, because it's a, um.. calm & quiet & comfortable destination.Why on earth I would choose B.T? Because never went there before.. T.T

WARNING: youngsters are recommended not to go due to its none and unavailabe of extreme and interesting places or things.

Here are some pictures for your eyes:

The entrance? I think so.(fugly)

                            cam-whore-ing myself: as usual

                             found one slk 200! [apa lagi!]

                                           taking twice!^^

                     can u see me?!(on a building; three storey-tall only.)

                               (ducky, so white and pure~)

 

In theJapanese Village(don't know what Garden ..)

Seemed like in the forest!

 

~Mom and Dad~

Found this fruit. So purple..

Basically, nothing much to do, and i'm just taking photo for fun. Till now, bye and take care people!

CHAO~

Best regards: Tyanlee

dear GOD..

Sometimes, a person’s action will not satisfy others. Whatever the person did, she will always not in the right line for others. What can I say? I’ve already done my best to satisfy you.

Do you know that each of your action really made me depressed? I’ve never felt this way before and I don’t wish to go through this. I hate the feeling being followed, watched, stared and others irritating job that you had done to me. Maybe this few days you don’t, and I’ve decrease my activities, somehow, those feeling of unease have conquer my heart. Each time I went out, I need to watch out someone, because I really hate those feelings. Really meant it!

I don’t know if a person does not treasure his life. It is hard to survive in this cruel world, and is lucky to live each seconds that u have it now. Calling for suicide, hurting your body, does not help in solving problems. It just makes the problem larger and larger. If you think that you hurting yourself will help to forget the problem, the answer is no. Now, it’s involving me.

If you love someone, do you wish to make her happy? Or you are holding a word,” If I don’t get you, others will not get too!”… which one?

I am the one who create those mistakes. And maybe it’s time to solve it and give it a hint. I’m not dare to make a move. I’m just getting tired of avoiding and running ups and downs… just tired. The year of 2010, hey what surprise will you be giving to me, my dear god?