But there are no changes and answers. He did it, yes he did it forget me. This time, I keep on looking up the skies. Facing my face up, preventing those tears to drop. So that, I can save those tear for another happy things.
Will the day come?
Little did he knows, he broke this little girl heart after putting those promises he had made. This girl thought that he will wait her forever. Those tear she is pouring is the sign that she is heartbroken… after he leaves her alone standing in the path, asking her to walk alone the dark alley…
It’s been a long time since my blog updated. So many stories need to be telling, from one to thousand millions! Mid-term just passed and I guess my marks won’t go anywhere since I’ve not tried my best to score. What has done can’t be done once again. So, like my daily quote: Let it be!
Last night, something happened. Once in my life and I guess I won’t forget it! What I want to confess here is, I’m really sorry(tho I know sorry no cure) for making you guys’ troubles and worries the whole night for me. It’s my wrong and my fault! I admit here that I shouldn’t make such decision and must think twice before doing something. Thank you guys for searching me, although I don’t feel like want to meet people in such situation… that night, I’ve thought of a lot of things, from bottom to top! From the possible to impossible… and I really felt touched by someone. The ways he argued and scolded me really make me feel that, there is still a person who cares most about me. I can see those tears nearly fall in you, luckily I cried first before you, if not I’ll tell the whole world about it! LOLs, KIDDING! X) Thanks for so caring even you are not around me that time… still, why he is not him?
Actually I still know what I am doing, what I am thinking but in a such way, means in a way that I don’t even tried before. Walked such a long way to outside without thinking the consequences I might get. I know I’m a foolish. But that’s also not I want, I was too depressed by just only one word;Love.
If I told you that I’ve already thought twice and decide to make a rationale decision, would you trust me? The answer might be: no. But I’ve finally can let go A BIT on those feeling towards you. Maybe is the hurt feeling too much inside myself causes me to accept those impossible futures… I’ve decided to think those nonsense things and get myself prepared for the worst. Because when the day I get the real answer, I might not hurt so deep… and realize that I’ve finally did it! And go on my life with a relief smile. I’m trying very hard now! :)
I admit that my friend is true! I’m the one who wrong from the beginning till the end. I know where I am wrong and I realize about it. So now, I’m trying my best to recover those relationships though I know it’s impossible. I will try my best to achieve my goal. I will give you a space that you want. I will stop bothering you, asking you those questions which actually want you to reply me. I will ignore the things that will hurt me and pretend nothing ever happened. I will go on my life without you and wait until you are willing to walk on the same road with me. I know friends trying to ask me to give up, some of them also give me support, I know what you guys thinking and thanks for you all advices. I will work hard on that! Because I know he’s doing what I’m doing last time… x(
A special day is coming and I will get myself prepared for the best and worst. For the last time I think…
Cheer up stupid girl! Haha. I always said that to myself even it’s not going to work out! I will go on my days and nights without you and promise myself to smile a lot than I used to. I will love myself much better than I used to. I will appreciate myself. I will make myself happier, without you. Good luck, is the only things that I can say here.
Hope you happy always and I know you can, from the way you shown me recently, I know you’ve already did it!
Is everything will be coming to the end? I thought that is what I want, the ending that I really want so much after all things happened. But, it is just… too, making me feel upset. Why? We have talk less, interact less. Why? Maybe the problem comes from me. I talk lesser to you. Why? Because, I have nothing to say, where, what I want to say is hardly coming from my own mouth. I speak to you right from my heart where the words could not come out. This is so hard. But I make it… I less playing stupid jokes with you, I can say, no more joking and fooling around. This is so pathetic. Is this what you want? You less MSN with me, chat less, less message , everything becoming lesser and lesser. Is your feeling too like that? Is not that I want to run away or avoid from you, is I think that you have change. Can you tell me why? There is a lot of Q&A coming from my mind. But I keep shutting it down; because I knew it won’t work to think about it again and again.
How are you recently? Are you happy with you own life? Are you satisfied with all your joy? I really want to know, but I not dare to ask more, because I scare that the positive answer you given to me, will make sadder, to know that you can live without me… but I know I can’t be so selfish.
Like I always said, letting go is the best way. Talk is always better then action. And I’m one of the examples. I can’t make it tho. So, I cheated my own self. That, I can live better life, I’m totally over you, completely live without you… but each night I went to sleep with a miserable heart thinking how foolish I am.
Is the value of one girl become less when she confessed that she likes him? Is the boy won’t treasure and appreciate a girl who make that kind of move? If this is what happened on me, then, I will say – I don’t love you. I don’t love you from the beginning of that day. I’m just fooling around. Hope you don’t mind… - so that we can go through our lives like normal…
There arethousand of questions running through my mind. And this make me could not concentrated on what I’m doing. I can’t control my mood. If I never confess, I won’t be suffering thinking that he doesn’t care me. Because those feeling of liking starts to grow in my heart…
What can I do now for each of the day is just pretending how happy am I, how sweet is the world is, how good is my life, and how sarcastic myself is… starts to hate myself so much…
What is happiness? Is it only two people happy, that’s more than enough? Where is your promise again? Please check your MSN. And now I believe in one thing. Karma. God wants me to suffer from what you had suffered before, right? If it is does, then I’m fail… I deserve it…
Have a good day everyone, good luck for my friends and myself. : )
*I will keep on smiling, so that you will know how sarcastic I am*
The more I know you, the more you are different from what I’m thinking. The more I feel you are now a stranger to me. I will never satisfy for what you always done to me anymore. I like you, it is true. I like him is also true. Between you both, I will always in dilemma. Do not know who to choose because, both of you are so good. I will always think that, if he or you have both positive thinking and benefit, how much good it is. But no, nobody is perfect, I knew that.
You, always help me if I need your help, but recently, I feel that we both are far from the future and reality. I could not find any reasons that why you like me. You said there is no reason in loving someone. It is a feeling that naturally comes. I can accept it. But, how come you can mention how good others are and what is their best spot inside themselves, how about me? Why can’t on me? You will never serious about what I am thinking even you said you never play on relationship. That always make me on fire and most of the time I’m scolding you and in the last, I was in miserable. Maybe for you, that’s the way of interacting, but not for me. Maybe for you non-verbal communication is the best way, but not for me. What I want is communication. What I want is your maturates and seriousness. Sometimes you do make me hanging halfway for not answering my question. Why you are the one who can ask me questions and request me on must answer it! But it was never vice verse on you. Why? Do you care me because it is force to? Why you are not like the old yourself, alert of what I’m feeling and understand me?
Do you understand for what I’m thinking right now? I don’t need your hug, your kiss, your intimate conversation; I just want you to understand me. Just that will more then enough. I just want you to sit with me quietly and have a comfortable chat. That is beyond than satisfy.
Sigh.
Another you, I just want to say sorry. I don’t mean to hurt you if I did. What I did is for three of us own good.
Finally, I’m already updated my blog huh? This year, Chinese New Year seems to be a bored,grey and quietfestival to me. Maybe I’m not going back to my hometown for gathering due to some reasons. It’s just a small physical reasons. However, they came here!!^^ Sit at home, angpau also guai-guai come... so happy! Friends are calling for yum-cha and reunion. I want it so much, but it's not on a good timing my dear because going out with relatives, how about tonight? o.O
Relatives come and go. Last night I went to watch <72 家租客> with my beloved family. Fun for sure and damn funny… all tyanlee@blogspot.com viewers will be recommended to watch this movie! ^^ wow, too many HK actor and actress made this movie damn boom! and bang! Don’t know what words I’m using, Lols.
The trailer, go watch!
Ohya my gosh, forgot to write it here, I went to Bukit Tinggi with my family on the first day of CNY. Nothing much to play there and it's quite suitable for older people to have some rest there, because it's a, um.. calm & quiet & comfortable destination.Why on earth I would choose B.T? Because never went there before.. T.T
WARNING: youngsters are recommended not to go due to its none and unavailabe of extreme and interesting places or things.
Here are some pictures for your eyes:
The entrance? I think so.(fugly)
cam-whore-ing myself: as usual
found one slk 200! [apa lagi!]
taking twice!^^
can u see me?!(on a building; three storey-tall only.)
(ducky, so white and pure~)
In theJapanese Village(don't know what Garden ..)
Seemed like in the forest!
~Mom and Dad~
Found this fruit. So purple..
Basically, nothing much to do, and i'm just taking photo for fun. Till now, bye and take care people!
Sometimes, a person’s action will not satisfy others. Whatever the person did, she will always not in the right line for others. What can I say? I’ve already done my best to satisfy you.
Do you know that each of your action really made me depressed? I’ve never felt this way before and I don’t wish to go through this. I hate the feeling being followed, watched, stared and others irritating job that you had done to me. Maybe this few days you don’t, and I’ve decrease my activities, somehow, those feeling of unease have conquer my heart. Each time I went out, I need to watch out someone, because I really hate those feelings. Really meant it!
I don’t know if a person does not treasure his life. It is hard to survive in this cruel world, and is lucky to live each seconds that u have it now. Calling for suicide, hurting your body, does not help in solving problems. It just makes the problem larger and larger. If you think that you hurting yourself will help to forget the problem, the answer is no. Now, it’s involving me.
If you love someone, do you wish to make her happy? Or you are holding a word,” If I don’t get you, others will not get too!”… which one?
I am the one who create those mistakes. And maybe it’s time to solve it and give it a hint. I’m not dare to make a move. I’m just getting tired of avoiding and running ups and downs… just tired. The year of 2010, hey what surprise will you be giving to me, my dear god?
I was walking on the street, passing by a music shop; I heard that song, again. Then, the memories of you flash into my mind. Why you? Am I regretting for breaking up with you? If I do not say that last word, maybe last four months we already went through our very first anniversary… I miss you for sure. Where are you now?
I still blame myself for my stupid mistake letting you go. Have I let you go? 100%? I don’t know…
I’m still counting, counting the day that we went through if we are still together, stupid right? I’m the one who let you go, and in the end, I’m the one who still miss you… really hate myself…
Why am I always stuck in problems that I do not wish too involved? And why nobody support me? Why I am always the wrong person to blame? Why nobody ask about my feelings? Why? Is it I am the one who always make up the problems? So you all jump into the conclusion.
I do not know what is my feeling right now, just damn down! Even my friend also asks me to think. Honest? What is honest? In her world, everything just seems so simple and easy, whereas my life is full of thoughts, complicity, troubles, and misery. Honest for me is just a word. You just act honest when you get caught, and it is beyond your beliefs and gut. When can I be truly honest?
It is not that I do not want to tell the truth; maybe it is just not the right time. I think even how many times I explain, he stills stand on his own word. And yes, I am. I am the kind of person who he thinks I am. Brat. Spoilt. Sucks.
And everyone starts to blame me. And this really makes me puke all the way. How can I walk along the road? I can’t, just can’t…
Now, I seemed to be lifeless. Everything should be stop right now. My world seems to stop spinning… and I can feel my soul start to crawl out from its host.
-You can judge me all you want by using your own theory,
in case you feel your feeling will gets better*
-You can boycott me if you wish,
in case you feel I’m wrong*
-You can tell me you hate my actions and words,
in case you feel I’m irritating*
…just to tell you…
YOU are not the RIGHT person to JUDGE my life, because you don’t even know me.
Totally blank. Don’t know what I am thinking right now. I think I will surrender and try to forget. I want to sleep! Urgh! Assignments make me puke. Nooooo!!
Vomited all the foods I’ve eaten. Sucks! Stupid oily Lo Shu Fun. Sigh. Stomach still drowns with oil. No cure.
People do change. It is just depends on the timing and environmental problems. My adrenaline spreads so fast and moving like a train this morning. I don’t know why but I’m sure it’s not because of excited, it’s because of hatred and angry. I hated myself so much that I can’t control it and let it bomb.
I can’t stop blaming myself that I’m the cause of these problems! I never want to involve in this thing, but whenever I feel like I want to stop, feelings keep pulling me into this trap again! I hated myself so much that I let myself go in!
I hurt someone. I open the cut, I spread the salt and make him hurt deeply. Not only one, but two. Then, I started to realize something, I’ve changed. I’m trying hard to search myself back! Where is the old tyanlee? I’m so frustrated that I feel like scream out of my lungs! Today might be the day I go crazy…
I will never love someone like I did in the past even if I’m trying my best. Maybe I’m just scare that I will take the wrong path and in the end, either he or I will get hurt. As I said, don’t fall for me for I will ruin your life and taking you for granted. Now, my life only has me and myself. I will stop. Stop for feeling things.
I’m not a flirter. But, if you insist that I’m, then go on! Just say I’m a playgirl. That maybe correct, isn’t it?
Everything happened just so sudden. I don’t know how to react, maybe one of the best way is… ignoring. But I know, I can’t do this forever, I still need to face the problem. I hope I will have enough courage to face him, unfortunately, no. If you ask me once again, I will still stand on my own decision. I can’t accept that things turn to me once again. I can’t trust people who change his or her mind so suddenly, especially dealing with feeling. This is just too scary.
Maybe, the problem came from me. Maybe I’m just too close with him. I should know that my action will cause another possibility. Just blame on me. My intend just to be friend with him, maybe some kind of close but I don’t mean to go beyond this tie. I don’t know how to tell him this, because some fact might hurt him. If you saw my blog, hope you know that I don’t mean to ignore you… sorry for yesterday. Just so sorry.
I knew you since the first week of Semester One. We met by chance and fate. I’m so happy to know you, really. Hanging out with you really gives me a lot of fun, and you do make me happy. Sometimes, we do argue because of small matter, but that doesn’t matter, because this has taught me to accept another you…
Something happened in the middle, caused our relationship to slowly fade away day by day. I have decided to let you go; hoping that you would leave me a little dignity inside myself. I then knew a lot of friends, I joined them… learnt to leave you alone really tough enough. But I’ve no other choice. I blamed myself for too naïve, too childish… and on everything that can hurt me…
It’s been about 4 months, in the four months; you do make something that can heal our relationship…you told me something that against my thought… and I still stand on my own principe, that we are impossible. We are still friends, but I do ignore you a lot. And until just now… you asked me something. I think my action just too mean. I’m sorry… really sorry! Maybe I’m still trying to avoid the truth… the so called soul-hurt. I just want you to give me a little dignity… not much.
Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.
Staying home right now, for a couple days before going out to have a real fun! Best time to rest myself from the hectic campus life… dump them aside first, go have fun like; bukit climbing, naked on the beach x))( that will be a joke! ), shopping, baking cake, hanging out with some close friends, loitering(^^), enjoying pleasure time with family members and also… my garden!... shit, y they look like forest ? lols, thanks, so to nature x))
So relax to stay in home… argggghhh! I like my home! Homexsweetxhome! X))
By the way, I’m so miss my group, TA10!... >.< what can I do… msn-ing luh.. Sigh…xoxo you all! =3
Let go is the best decision for each of us; for you and me. I’m not going to love you. That will be my decision. The reason, very easy… I like another person. It’s not worth for you to love me, I said it before… it’s useless… and I’m going to give and pay back all the things u have given or done for me...
I don’t know when I will give up on liking him. I think I’m just stupid, waiting for someone who didn’t even know I like him. Idiot huh? I just don’t have the gut, the gut to confess, and I really don’t want to make a mess on him… But who cares, that’s my problem… It’s just that, I will keep on pray for him and his girl :]
I will close my heart for this time. Silently support him… x)
I just don’t think that I can make it anymore. It doesn’t relate to my old century case. It’s just, I can’t found anyone that I feel I want to live with forever. Maybe I did! But I’ve let him go… in front of me… Till now, I’m still waiting for him… for him to realize that I’m by his side, always! Anyway, I’m so sorry for the one who have been courting me since… since I don’t know when… I pleased you to give me time… but I’m just sorry… I can’t make it… its hard. You know, maybe one day I realized that you are the one who really suitable for me, you maybe have let me go… how coincidence. No matter what, thanks for sharing whatever you had shared with me… I will go on with my life…
Am I too busybody? I’m an asshole digger. I screwed up on other people. I kick their asses and then tell the whole world. I’m cruel. I’m rubbish. Fine. What happened to me recently? I’m acting like… like, no direction. What had happened?! Don’t tell me that I’ve fall deeply… deeply into the sea of love. No, I can’t do this, I will stop myself from going down again… we’re just friends… and I care for him just like a friend… it can’t be… no way…
