no MOOD omg

Recently, what had happen on us? You and I seemed to keep on arguing. I hate your childishness, and I hate myself for being so easy to forgive you. We never sat down and calm down ourselves and talk about our problems. The problem is, for you that’s not a problem, and seemed like I’m the one who only got the problem. What happen?

I just want you to be serious. I hate how you never being serious for what I’ve said. I hate how you care for others but not me. Is it their words are more important? I’m trying to tolerate. I did! But I will never satisfy if each time there’s no conclusion and I don’t know why I’m so willing to forgive you. Maybe I was thinking, we have lost each other for once, I will not let you go for the twice time… I’m stupid right?

Till now, that’s all. I’m calming down and will think who am I to you and is it worth for me to keep on going…

never be the [S]ame

others people problem is your problem, my problem you never mind.

other people word you care, my word you will never understand.

other people feeling you mind, my feeling you will never know.

other people thinking you take it serious, my problem you take it easy...

there will always be a gap between others & me.
it's not you don't care me much, is you seems to care others much.
that's what i feel... you will never be serious...
i sometimes think that, my status is lower than them much more...

TIME

I know what you want. And I also know I can’t resist you and I don’t have the right to let you do the right things. Since I’m willing to let you go home, which is your right, and I don’t have anything to comment, I know I must not complain much. At first I don’t hope it will affect our love.

 However, something that I scare the most was happening right now. Let me tell you something, even it’s only two days since the day you went home, I’m already felt unease. This feeling is indescribable. I miss you, but I tried not to think of you because whenever I thought of you out there, I will simply think once again. I keep myself busier and busier. But, the more I make myself like that, the more I start to take off you out of my mind. The more I don’t need you. Is that a good thing?

Miracle, last night I don’t have the simply thinking towards you. I don’t care what you are doing. Unlike last time, I’m always worrying. Tell you, last time, I was so suffering.

When I need you, you are far away. Even your messages are simple, seems like nothing to talk much with me. I know you are happy there, how about me?

Maybe our relationship is still not strong. Maybe I still don’t know you. I really miss you much. I act to be happy, act not to care you, for what reason? To make you think that I can survive without you. I can live happier without you. That’s so hurt. When you read this, maybe your heart will be ache too. My heart will too. Do we really need each other? Should I consider our relationship once again?

My heart towards you already reach its limit, 100% devote on you. But now, it is decreasing. I need to know, when you read this, what will you do to retain my love.  Do something to make me love you the whole again…

I need some time to calm down my feeling… I’m confused.

what can I do?

Finally I’ve updated my blog after a blue moon. Just finish midterm last week. Omg, I think my result will be very awful and terrible. Congrates to those who get high marks, and condolence for me who get lower marks then them. Shiattt… few more weeks will be the deadly final in the Year 1 Sem 1. I pray hardly hoping that I can pass those five exams smoothly and successfully, God…

Last night, I was trying to make my hair from straight to curls, and guess what? I’m supposed to use the roller, indeed I was using something more to natural, which is… toilet paper...hiakhiak~~ I saw this kind of method on YouTube where there’s no using any heat but can make our hairs curls. Great right? But the only different thing was, they are teaching using paper bags, but I’m using toilet paper. No choice, there is no paper bags supplier… Hehe…

right side view..

top view...

fugly, pimples, but just to show you it works!!

clips on how to do it...xD

This weekend gotto be a lonely weekend again. Since everyone is going back to their hometown, which I never back after this Sem started, leaving me alone again in Kampar. So sad… what can I do? My hometown is located at East coast there, except someone is willing to fetch me or accompany me back, then I’m happy to meet my mom!!! Well, he’s going back too… I hate him going back!!! I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I don’t have the intention preventing him from going home… for me, meeting someone you know for a long time is a very happy things, especially someone who have a blood tie with you… I know that kind of feeling too, because till now I want to go back to my hometown so much… no one will understand my feeling here. I don’t have anyone here, except friends. So what could you expect me to do? Actually, I really feel jealous to him… he can go back hometown… so I can’t be so selfish, I know that. It is just that, I’m worrying another thing…
It had been about 3 months since the sweetest day ever, frankly and honestly speaking, there is still one torn in my heart, the torn that can’t be taken out. I still can’t go beyond myself. What if… when he back to hometown he will go out to meet her? What if… he will chat with her since he can’t do it here? What if… he calls her? What if… what if… oh my god. I really hate myself for thinking this much but I can’t let this happen even once. I really feel so scare. I can’t bear to lose him… what if… in his heart there was me and her???

I don’t want to think so much, I don’t want to ask him, I don’t even dare to care… because I want to trust him that he loves me. But I’m not stupid and I’m not idiot for what I’ve seen. My biggest weakness is easy to be emotional. Everything will be written on my face, I want him to know that I know everything. But I won’t speak up, because I don’t want to argue again. I want him to discover my silence. Everything that he feels, I can see through… I’m easy to be sensitive, so I can feel what people thinks even they denied.

I tried to make myself busier, everyday keep on refreshing myself that everything gotto be alright, making a poison cage so that stupid feelings won’t come to attack me again. Keep remanding myself that, if he besides me, that’s more than enough, evens he has another girl in his heart, that will be okey… as long as he loves me. But… that’s so naïve... and yes, I’m that’s naïve… I still remember he said, “sorry for making baby suffer” is that means he won’t make me suffer anymore? If yes, why he did it again?

I’m totally confused. Who am I in his heart? He never confesses to me on what happen to him and her. He never is serious when I ask him the relationship with other girl. Never, if yes he will say that I think too much… and I hate myself for forcing him to answer and last, I drown in disappointing. I just hope that he can convince to me that he only loves me… but each time is I mention first. His “I love you” seems don’t brings any meaning. I need you to say it when you meant it… not when I need it…

I think, I don’t hope much… I don’t wish to control him… I want him to be free… I want him to be happy… so I will choose not to care much… dat’s all…