upside - down = dying

Is everything will be coming to the end? I thought that is what I want, the ending that I really want so much after all things happened. But, it is just… too, making me feel upset. Why? We have talk less, interact less. Why? Maybe the problem comes from me. I talk lesser to you. Why? Because, I have nothing to say, where, what I want to say is hardly coming from my own mouth. I speak to you right from my heart where the words could not come out. This is so hard. But I make it… I less playing stupid jokes with you, I can say, no more joking and fooling around. This is so pathetic. Is this what you want? You less MSN with me, chat less, less message , everything becoming lesser and lesser. Is your feeling too like that? Is not that I want to run away or avoid from you, is I think that you have change. Can you tell me why? There is a lot of Q&A coming from my mind. But I keep shutting it down; because I knew it won’t work to think about it again and again.

How are you recently? Are you happy with you own life? Are you satisfied with all your joy? I really want to know, but I not dare to ask more, because I scare that the positive answer you given to me, will make sadder, to know that you can live without me… but I know I can’t be so selfish.

Like I always said, letting go is the best way. Talk is always better then action. And I’m one of the examples. I can’t make it tho. So, I cheated my own self. That, I can live better life, I’m totally over you, completely live without you… but each night I went to sleep with a miserable heart thinking how foolish I am.

Is the value of one girl become less when she confessed that she likes him? Is the boy won’t treasure and appreciate a girl who make that kind of move? If this is what happened on me, then, I will say – I don’t love you. I don’t love you from the beginning of that day. I’m just fooling around. Hope you don’t mind… - so that we can go through our lives like normal…

There are thousand of questions running through my mind. And this make me could not concentrated on what I’m doing. I can’t control my mood. If I never confess, I won’t be suffering thinking that he doesn’t care me. Because those feeling of liking starts to grow in my heart…

What can I do now for each of the day is just pretending how happy am I, how sweet is the world is, how good is my life, and how sarcastic myself is… starts to hate myself so much…

What is happiness? Is it only two people happy, that’s more than enough? Where is your promise again? Please check your MSN. And now I believe in one thing. Karma. God wants me to suffer from what you had suffered before, right? If it is does, then I’m fail… I deserve it…

Have a good day everyone, good luck for my friends and myself. : )

*I will keep on smiling, so that you will know how sarcastic I am*

I don't knOw !

The more I know you, the more you are different from what I’m thinking. The more I feel you are now a stranger to me. I will never satisfy for what you always done to me anymore. I like you, it is true. I like him is also true. Between you both, I will always in dilemma. Do not know who to choose because, both of you are so good. I will always think that, if he or you have both positive thinking and benefit, how much good it is. But no, nobody is perfect, I knew that. 

You, always help me if I need your help, but recently, I feel that we both are far from the future and reality. I could not find any reasons that why you like me. You said there is no reason in loving someone. It is a feeling that naturally comes. I can accept it. But, how come you can mention how good others are and what is their best spot inside themselves, how about me? Why can’t on me? You will never serious about what I am thinking even you said you never play on relationship. That always make me on fire and most of the time I’m scolding you and in the last, I was in miserable. Maybe for you, that’s the way of interacting, but not for me. Maybe for you non-verbal communication is the best way, but not for me. What I want is communication. What I want is your maturates and seriousness. Sometimes you do make me hanging halfway for not answering my question. Why you are the one who can ask me questions and request me on must answer it! But it was never vice verse on you. Why? Do you care me because it is force to? Why you are not like the old yourself, alert of what I’m feeling and understand me?

Do you understand for what I’m thinking right now? I don’t need your hug, your kiss, your intimate conversation; I just want you to understand me. Just that will more then enough. I just want you to sit with me quietly and have a comfortable chat. That is beyond than satisfy. 

Sigh. 

Another you, I just want to say sorry. I don’t mean to hurt you if I did. What I did is for three of us own good.