what can I do?

Finally I’ve updated my blog after a blue moon. Just finish midterm last week. Omg, I think my result will be very awful and terrible. Congrates to those who get high marks, and condolence for me who get lower marks then them. Shiattt… few more weeks will be the deadly final in the Year 1 Sem 1. I pray hardly hoping that I can pass those five exams smoothly and successfully, God…

Last night, I was trying to make my hair from straight to curls, and guess what? I’m supposed to use the roller, indeed I was using something more to natural, which is… toilet paper...hiakhiak~~ I saw this kind of method on YouTube where there’s no using any heat but can make our hairs curls. Great right? But the only different thing was, they are teaching using paper bags, but I’m using toilet paper. No choice, there is no paper bags supplier… Hehe…

right side view..

top view...

fugly, pimples, but just to show you it works!!

clips on how to do it...xD

This weekend gotto be a lonely weekend again. Since everyone is going back to their hometown, which I never back after this Sem started, leaving me alone again in Kampar. So sad… what can I do? My hometown is located at East coast there, except someone is willing to fetch me or accompany me back, then I’m happy to meet my mom!!! Well, he’s going back too… I hate him going back!!! I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I don’t have the intention preventing him from going home… for me, meeting someone you know for a long time is a very happy things, especially someone who have a blood tie with you… I know that kind of feeling too, because till now I want to go back to my hometown so much… no one will understand my feeling here. I don’t have anyone here, except friends. So what could you expect me to do? Actually, I really feel jealous to him… he can go back hometown… so I can’t be so selfish, I know that. It is just that, I’m worrying another thing…
It had been about 3 months since the sweetest day ever, frankly and honestly speaking, there is still one torn in my heart, the torn that can’t be taken out. I still can’t go beyond myself. What if… when he back to hometown he will go out to meet her? What if… he will chat with her since he can’t do it here? What if… he calls her? What if… what if… oh my god. I really hate myself for thinking this much but I can’t let this happen even once. I really feel so scare. I can’t bear to lose him… what if… in his heart there was me and her???

I don’t want to think so much, I don’t want to ask him, I don’t even dare to care… because I want to trust him that he loves me. But I’m not stupid and I’m not idiot for what I’ve seen. My biggest weakness is easy to be emotional. Everything will be written on my face, I want him to know that I know everything. But I won’t speak up, because I don’t want to argue again. I want him to discover my silence. Everything that he feels, I can see through… I’m easy to be sensitive, so I can feel what people thinks even they denied.

I tried to make myself busier, everyday keep on refreshing myself that everything gotto be alright, making a poison cage so that stupid feelings won’t come to attack me again. Keep remanding myself that, if he besides me, that’s more than enough, evens he has another girl in his heart, that will be okey… as long as he loves me. But… that’s so naïve... and yes, I’m that’s naïve… I still remember he said, “sorry for making baby suffer” is that means he won’t make me suffer anymore? If yes, why he did it again?

I’m totally confused. Who am I in his heart? He never confesses to me on what happen to him and her. He never is serious when I ask him the relationship with other girl. Never, if yes he will say that I think too much… and I hate myself for forcing him to answer and last, I drown in disappointing. I just hope that he can convince to me that he only loves me… but each time is I mention first. His “I love you” seems don’t brings any meaning. I need you to say it when you meant it… not when I need it…

I think, I don’t hope much… I don’t wish to control him… I want him to be free… I want him to be happy… so I will choose not to care much… dat’s all…

What Is A Promise?

I wait and wait. 

But there are no changes and answers. He did it, yes he did it forget me. This time, I keep on looking up the skies. Facing my face up, preventing those tears to drop. So that, I can save those tear for another happy things. 

Will the day come?

Little did he knows, he broke this little girl heart after putting those promises he had made. This girl thought that he will wait her forever. Those tear she is pouring is the sign that she is heartbroken… after he leaves her alone standing in the path, asking her to walk alone the dark alley… 

i'm not me anymore

~ [I] [w]ill [b]e ~

It’s been a long time since my blog updated. So many stories need to be telling, from one to thousand millions! Mid-term just passed and I guess my marks won’t go anywhere since I’ve not tried my best to score. What has done can’t be done once again. So, like my daily quote: Let it be!

Last night, something happened. Once in my life and I guess I won’t forget it! What I want to confess here is, I’m really sorry(tho I know sorry no cure) for making you guys’ troubles and worries the whole night for me. It’s my wrong and my fault! I admit here that I shouldn’t make such decision and must think twice before doing something. Thank you guys for searching me, although I don’t feel like want to meet people in such situation… that night, I’ve thought of a lot of things, from bottom to top! From the possible to impossible… and I really felt touched by someone. The ways he argued and scolded me really make me feel that, there is still a person who cares most about me. I can see those tears nearly fall in you, luckily I cried first before you, if not I’ll tell the whole world about it! LOLs, KIDDING! X) Thanks for so caring even you are not around me that time… still, why he is not him?

 

Actually I still know what I am doing, what I am thinking but in a such way, means in a way that I don’t even tried before. Walked such a long way to outside without thinking the consequences I might get. I know I’m a foolish. But that’s also not I want, I was too depressed by just only one word; Love. 

If I told you that I’ve already thought twice and decide to make a rationale decision, would you trust me? The answer might be: no. But I’ve finally can let go A BIT on those feeling towards you. Maybe is the hurt feeling too much inside myself causes me to accept those impossible futures… I’ve decided to think those nonsense things and get myself prepared for the worst. Because when the day I get the real answer, I might not hurt so deep… and realize that I’ve finally did it! And go on my life with a relief smile. I’m trying very hard now! :) 

I admit that my friend is true! I’m the one who wrong from the beginning till the end. I know where I am wrong and I realize about it. So now, I’m trying my best to recover those relationships though I know it’s impossible. I will try my best to achieve my goal. I will give you a space that you want. I will stop bothering you, asking you those questions which actually want you to reply me. I will ignore the things that will hurt me and pretend nothing ever happened. I will go on my life without you and wait until you are willing to walk on the same road with me. I know friends trying to ask me to give up, some of them also give me support, I know what you guys thinking and thanks for you all advices. I will work hard on that! Because I know he’s doing what I’m doing last time… x(

A special day is coming and I will get myself prepared for the best and worst. For the last time I think…

Cheer up stupid girl! Haha. I always said that to myself even it’s not going to work out! I will go on my days and nights without you and promise myself to smile a lot than I used to. I will love myself much better than I used to. I will appreciate myself. I will make myself happier, without you. Good luck, is the only things that I can say here.

Hope you happy always and I know you can, from the way you shown me recently, I know you’ve already did it! 

: )

upside - down = dying

Is everything will be coming to the end? I thought that is what I want, the ending that I really want so much after all things happened. But, it is just… too, making me feel upset. Why? We have talk less, interact less. Why? Maybe the problem comes from me. I talk lesser to you. Why? Because, I have nothing to say, where, what I want to say is hardly coming from my own mouth. I speak to you right from my heart where the words could not come out. This is so hard. But I make it… I less playing stupid jokes with you, I can say, no more joking and fooling around. This is so pathetic. Is this what you want? You less MSN with me, chat less, less message , everything becoming lesser and lesser. Is your feeling too like that? Is not that I want to run away or avoid from you, is I think that you have change. Can you tell me why? There is a lot of Q&A coming from my mind. But I keep shutting it down; because I knew it won’t work to think about it again and again.

How are you recently? Are you happy with you own life? Are you satisfied with all your joy? I really want to know, but I not dare to ask more, because I scare that the positive answer you given to me, will make sadder, to know that you can live without me… but I know I can’t be so selfish.

Like I always said, letting go is the best way. Talk is always better then action. And I’m one of the examples. I can’t make it tho. So, I cheated my own self. That, I can live better life, I’m totally over you, completely live without you… but each night I went to sleep with a miserable heart thinking how foolish I am.

Is the value of one girl become less when she confessed that she likes him? Is the boy won’t treasure and appreciate a girl who make that kind of move? If this is what happened on me, then, I will say – I don’t love you. I don’t love you from the beginning of that day. I’m just fooling around. Hope you don’t mind… - so that we can go through our lives like normal…

There are thousand of questions running through my mind. And this make me could not concentrated on what I’m doing. I can’t control my mood. If I never confess, I won’t be suffering thinking that he doesn’t care me. Because those feeling of liking starts to grow in my heart…

What can I do now for each of the day is just pretending how happy am I, how sweet is the world is, how good is my life, and how sarcastic myself is… starts to hate myself so much…

What is happiness? Is it only two people happy, that’s more than enough? Where is your promise again? Please check your MSN. And now I believe in one thing. Karma. God wants me to suffer from what you had suffered before, right? If it is does, then I’m fail… I deserve it…

Have a good day everyone, good luck for my friends and myself. : )

*I will keep on smiling, so that you will know how sarcastic I am*

I don't knOw !

The more I know you, the more you are different from what I’m thinking. The more I feel you are now a stranger to me. I will never satisfy for what you always done to me anymore. I like you, it is true. I like him is also true. Between you both, I will always in dilemma. Do not know who to choose because, both of you are so good. I will always think that, if he or you have both positive thinking and benefit, how much good it is. But no, nobody is perfect, I knew that. 

You, always help me if I need your help, but recently, I feel that we both are far from the future and reality. I could not find any reasons that why you like me. You said there is no reason in loving someone. It is a feeling that naturally comes. I can accept it. But, how come you can mention how good others are and what is their best spot inside themselves, how about me? Why can’t on me? You will never serious about what I am thinking even you said you never play on relationship. That always make me on fire and most of the time I’m scolding you and in the last, I was in miserable. Maybe for you, that’s the way of interacting, but not for me. Maybe for you non-verbal communication is the best way, but not for me. What I want is communication. What I want is your maturates and seriousness. Sometimes you do make me hanging halfway for not answering my question. Why you are the one who can ask me questions and request me on must answer it! But it was never vice verse on you. Why? Do you care me because it is force to? Why you are not like the old yourself, alert of what I’m feeling and understand me?

Do you understand for what I’m thinking right now? I don’t need your hug, your kiss, your intimate conversation; I just want you to understand me. Just that will more then enough. I just want you to sit with me quietly and have a comfortable chat. That is beyond than satisfy. 

Sigh. 

Another you, I just want to say sorry. I don’t mean to hurt you if I did. What I did is for three of us own good.

Happy 2010! Chinese New Year

 Finally, I’m already updated my blog huh? This year, Chinese New Year seems to be a bored, grey and quiet festival to me. Maybe I’m not going back to my hometown for gathering due to some reasons. It’s just a small physical reasons. However, they came here!!^^ Sit at home, angpau also guai-guai come... so happy! Friends are calling for yum-cha and reunion. I want it so much, but it's not on a good timing my dear because going out with relatives, how about tonight? o.O

Relatives come and go. Last night I went to watch <72 家租客> with my beloved family. Fun for sure and damn funny… all tyanlee@blogspot.com viewers will be recommended to watch this movie! ^^ wow, too many HK actor and actress made this movie damn boom! and bang! Don’t know what words I’m using, Lols.

The trailer, go watch!

Ohya my gosh, forgot to write it here, I went to Bukit Tinggi with my family on the first day of CNY. Nothing much to play there and it's quite suitable for older people to have some rest there, because it's a, um.. calm & quiet & comfortable destination.Why on earth I would choose B.T? Because never went there before.. T.T

WARNING: youngsters are recommended not to go due to its none and unavailabe of extreme and interesting places or things.

Here are some pictures for your eyes:

The entrance? I think so.(fugly)

                            cam-whore-ing myself: as usual

                             found one slk 200! [apa lagi!]

                                           taking twice!^^

                     can u see me?!(on a building; three storey-tall only.)

                               (ducky, so white and pure~)

 

In theJapanese Village(don't know what Garden ..)

Seemed like in the forest!

 

~Mom and Dad~

Found this fruit. So purple..

Basically, nothing much to do, and i'm just taking photo for fun. Till now, bye and take care people!

CHAO~

Best regards: Tyanlee

dear GOD..

Sometimes, a person’s action will not satisfy others. Whatever the person did, she will always not in the right line for others. What can I say? I’ve already done my best to satisfy you.

Do you know that each of your action really made me depressed? I’ve never felt this way before and I don’t wish to go through this. I hate the feeling being followed, watched, stared and others irritating job that you had done to me. Maybe this few days you don’t, and I’ve decrease my activities, somehow, those feeling of unease have conquer my heart. Each time I went out, I need to watch out someone, because I really hate those feelings. Really meant it!

I don’t know if a person does not treasure his life. It is hard to survive in this cruel world, and is lucky to live each seconds that u have it now. Calling for suicide, hurting your body, does not help in solving problems. It just makes the problem larger and larger. If you think that you hurting yourself will help to forget the problem, the answer is no. Now, it’s involving me.

If you love someone, do you wish to make her happy? Or you are holding a word,” If I don’t get you, others will not get too!”… which one?

I am the one who create those mistakes. And maybe it’s time to solve it and give it a hint. I’m not dare to make a move. I’m just getting tired of avoiding and running ups and downs… just tired. The year of 2010, hey what surprise will you be giving to me, my dear god?

my sin[] for sure

I was walking on the street, passing by a music shop; I heard that song, again. Then, the memories of you flash into my mind. Why you? Am I regretting for breaking up with you? If I do not say that last word, maybe last four months we already went through our very first anniversary… I miss you for sure. Where are you now?

I still blame myself for my stupid mistake letting you go. Have I let you go? 100%? I don’t know…

I’m still counting, counting the day that we went through if we are still together, stupid right? I’m the one who let you go, and in the end, I’m the one who still miss you… really hate myself…

I still can’t let go… for my sin…

Please save me…

dropping in and out~

Why am I always stuck in problems that I do not wish too involved? And why nobody support me? Why I am always the wrong person to blame? Why nobody ask about my feelings? Why? Is it I am the one who always make up the problems? So you all jump into the conclusion.


I do not know what is my feeling right now, just damn down! Even my friend also asks me to think. Honest? What is honest? In her world, everything just seems so simple and easy, whereas my life is full of thoughts, complicity, troubles, and misery. Honest for me is just a word. You just act honest when you get caught, and it is beyond your beliefs and gut. When can I be truly honest?

It is not that I do not want to tell the truth; maybe it is just not the right time. I think even how many times I explain, he stills stand on his own word. And yes, I am. I am the kind of person who he thinks I am. Brat. Spoilt. Sucks.

And everyone starts to blame me. And this really makes me puke all the way. How can I walk along the road? I can’t, just can’t…

Now, I seemed to be lifeless. Everything should be stop right now. My world seems to stop spinning… and I can feel my soul start to crawl out from its host.



-You can judge me all you want by using your own theory,


in case you feel your feeling will gets better*



-You can boycott me if you wish,


in case you feel I’m wrong*



-You can tell me you hate my actions and words,


in case you feel I’m irritating*




…just to tell you…

YOU are not the RIGHT person to JUDGE my life, because you don’t even know me.



Fly away~

oh shit x[

Totally blank. Don’t know what I am thinking right now. I think I will surrender and try to forget. I want to sleep! Urgh! Assignments make me puke. Nooooo!!







Vomited all the foods I’ve eaten. Sucks! Stupid oily Lo Shu Fun. Sigh. Stomach still drowns with oil. No cure.






*no mood wana write sumore.






Chao~

casanova,girl version.

People do change. It is just depends on the timing and environmental problems. My adrenaline spreads so fast and moving like a train this morning. I don’t know why but I’m sure it’s not because of excited, it’s because of hatred and angry. I hated myself so much that I can’t control it and let it bomb.



I can’t stop blaming myself that I’m the cause of these problems! I never want to involve in this thing, but whenever I feel like I want to stop, feelings keep pulling me into this trap again! I hated myself so much that I let myself go in!


I hurt someone. I open the cut, I spread the salt and make him hurt deeply. Not only one, but two. Then, I started to realize something, I’ve changed. I’m trying hard to search myself back! Where is the old tyanlee? I’m so frustrated that I feel like scream out of my lungs! Today might be the day I go crazy…


I will never love someone like I did in the past even if I’m trying my best. Maybe I’m just scare that I will take the wrong path and in the end, either he or I will get hurt. As I said, don’t fall for me for I will ruin your life and taking you for granted. Now, my life only has me and myself. I will stop. Stop for feeling things.


I’m not a flirter. But, if you insist that I’m, then go on! Just say I’m a playgirl.
That maybe correct, isn’t it?

If You Read This

Everything happened just so sudden. I don’t know how to react, maybe one of the best way is… ignoring. But I know, I can’t do this forever, I still need to face the problem. I hope I will have enough courage to face him, unfortunately, no. If you ask me once again, I will still stand on my own decision. I can’t accept that things turn to me once again. I can’t trust people who change his or her mind so suddenly, especially dealing with feeling. This is just too scary.



Maybe, the problem came from me. Maybe I’m just too close with him. I should know that my action will cause another possibility. Just blame on me. My intend just to be friend with him, maybe some kind of close but I don’t mean to go beyond this tie. I don’t know how to tell him this, because some fact might hurt him. If you saw my blog, hope you know that I don’t mean to ignore you… sorry for yesterday. Just so sorry.

so called "SOUL-hurt"

It's hurt, too hurt to recall those memories.



I knew you since the first week of Semester One. We met by chance and fate. I’m so happy to know you, really. Hanging out with you really gives me a lot of fun, and you do make me happy. Sometimes, we do argue because of small matter, but that doesn’t matter, because this has taught me to accept another you…


Something happened in the middle, caused our relationship to slowly fade away day by day. I have decided to let you go; hoping that you would leave me a little dignity inside myself. I then knew a lot of friends, I joined them… learnt to leave you alone really tough enough. But I’ve no other choice. I blamed myself for too naïve, too childish… and on everything that can hurt me…


It’s been about 4 months, in the four months; you do make something that can heal our relationship…you told me something that against my thought… and I still stand on my own principe, that we are impossible. We are still friends, but I do ignore you a lot. And until just now… you asked me something. I think my action just too mean. I’m sorry… really sorry! Maybe I’m still trying to avoid the truth… the so called soul-hurt. I just want you to give me a little dignity… not much.

somethingFOR[y]ou

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.


from,
Neil Gainman

lOOkin' UP, sigh !

I'm not okey today. X(

It's raining right now. And my feeling is totally hundred percent down!

Sigh. Something make me dissapointed, accurately, someone!

I don't know how to talk about this,.

*leave me alone*

s a y cheers! x))

Finally, it’s semester break! X))

Staying home right now, for a couple days before going out to have a real fun! Best time to rest myself from the hectic campus life… dump them aside first, go have fun like; bukit climbing, naked on the beach x))( that will be a joke! ), shopping, baking cake, hanging out with some close friends, loitering(^^), enjoying pleasure time with family members and also… my garden!... shit, y they look like forest ? lols, thanks, so to nature x))

So relax to stay in home… argggghhh! I like my home! Homexsweetxhome! X))

By the way, I’m so miss my group, TA10!... >.< what can I do… msn-ing luh.. Sigh…xoxo you all! =3

w a i t i n g

Let go.

Let go is the best decision for each of us; for you and me.
I’m not going to love you. That will be my decision. The reason, very easy… I like another person.
It’s not worth for you to love me, I said it before… it’s useless… and I’m going to give and pay back all the things u have given or done for me...

I don’t know when I will give up on liking him. I think I’m just stupid, waiting for someone who didn’t even know I like him. Idiot huh? I just don’t have the gut, the gut to confess, and I really don’t want to make a mess on him… But who cares, that’s my problem… It’s just that, I will keep on pray for him and his girl :]

I will close my heart for this time. Silently support him… x)

lET mE gO~

I just don’t think that I can make it anymore. It doesn’t relate to my old century case. It’s just, I can’t found anyone that I feel I want to live with forever. Maybe I did! But I’ve let him go… in front of me…
Till now, I’m still waiting for him… for him to realize that I’m by his side, always!
Anyway, I’m so sorry for the one who have been courting me since… since I don’t know when… I pleased you to give me time… but I’m just sorry… I can’t make it… its hard.
You know, maybe one day I realized that you are the one who really suitable for me, you maybe have let me go… how coincidence.
No matter what, thanks for sharing whatever you had shared with me… I will go on with my life…

No-way x((

Am I too busybody? I’m an asshole digger. I screwed up on other people. I kick their asses and then tell the whole world. I’m cruel. I’m rubbish. Fine.
What happened to me recently? I’m acting like… like, no direction. What had happened?!
Don’t tell me that I’ve fall deeply… deeply into the sea of love. No, I can’t do this, I will stop myself from going down again… we’re just friends… and I care for him just like a friend… it can’t be… no way…

I Wish... x))

Sunrise o sunrise.
I want to watch sunrise so much. But that day I just gave up because I’ve no faith, x((

Sunrise o sunrise
I want to take picture with you so much. But that day I’ve leave you… again I’ve no faith, x((

I will have the chance!x))
I won’t give up…

bad-day

I'm not trying to give hope.
I will not.

SIGH.
I will never ever talk about it again.
No more.

jUST lOOK aROUND

Things shouldn’t be moving right so fast, maybe human need time to observe, interpret, and then decide whether their decision is correct or other way round. Human do make mistake and don‘t realize their mistaken decision until some time.

The feeling of liking someone is wonderful, at the same time you will be confusing whether you really like him/her or just your feeling is fooling around. Have you ever think that you just need someone to occupy your empty heart? Or, you just pick anyone who is ok and compatible with you to court even you just know him/her not more than 6 month? Have you ever thought that you are using your heart to think but not your mind, your heart has conquered your feeling? You can said, it’s the love at first sight, but I never believe in that way. It’s just the feeling of lust not love. Think about it carefully.

First time you said you like that one girl, then when she had rejected for some reasons, you give up and court another one girl. No problem right, because since she’s not the right person. Here’s the problem, you just knew both of the girl for 3 months. Then in the 3 months, the feeling can change so drastically? So, is this lust or love?

For me, I don’t believe in love at first sight, because everything happened for just chemistry. To find someone who is really suitable for you, you need time to observe. Gone through once is just enough experience to me. I just don’t want to simply pick one and go on a relationship. If he has faith in waiting for me, then he’s maybe the right person. After all, feeling is also important, what is the point of having someone who is suitable but has no feeling. It is just like wearing clothes that fit you but you don’t like it.

I choose on flirting for some reasons. Maybe someday I will stop it if I’ve found someone who is really suitable. Because you never know, the art of falling in love and then broke up after a while is really hurting. It is just indescribable in words.

Just make you feeling as simple as you can and don’t let any of your emotions take over you. Think it carefully and make your decision wisely enough. After all, it’s just a feeling. Take your time to digest. Use your brain and mind to think not your heart in making decisions. X)

I do admit that in some cases, some couple managed to go till the end. And here I really wished them to have a happy ending; I just love to see couple. KAKA! X)) “love makes the world go around”.

Berry,
and good luck guys. X))
gambate for tomorrow!

Currently x)

“Changing position”, I mean I’ve changed and carry my laptop to my bed, Is exactly on my bed. Nothing, just want to see the light and the skies, cause my bed is facing the window. Kinda miss the sunlight x)) and now I’m studying on my bed, I am sitting on the floor and act like the bed is the desk. Lol. I enjoyed doing that.
Currently busy for the final examination for this semester. I am wondering whether we can still meet and chat like this after we will be going on separate way for the next semester. I hope our relationship will be the same; after all we need to grow up.
A lot of thing happened recently, relationship, either on friendship or lover-ship… everything is moving on its own way. I see through everything and realize something, “just be grateful” and “everything happened for a reason”. The feeling of being abundant by others is really disturbing and shit. I knew because I’ve gone through the shit before. Be positive and act nothing, maybe others are not doing it on purpose. Just don’t let the small matter make your days worsen… its not worth at all, brighten your days with smiles and laughter x))
Sometimes we just don’t realize families are the one who will support us forever. They will by our side no matter what, lovers will leaves us, friends will turn you over but family are the one who will not do that… be appreciate whenever by their side, just be appreciate… and I currently missed them so much. I know sometimes I do angry and scold you all but I’m not doing it on purpose, it’s just that I also have my own opinion, and I know what I am doing… and I just want to say, I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you all… scar will be there but I promise I will improve myself, I mean my attitude towards you all… x((
Sigh, we walked, we talked, we laughed, we sang, we chatted; we are doing all everything…together!
I will never forget you guys, all these 3 months are really wonderful memories you guys have created! I’m sure that I will laugh and smile alone when I’m thinking of you guys… even in the dreams. X))
Cool! I love you guys! And gambateh in the final exam!

bump!

What now?

I guess i've let him go... I give myself a chance, a chance to accept others..

But, If i open my heart again, sigh would it be the same like my old case? Or..something different?

If i say, i like him...erm, actually is another him...what will he think of?

Now, i'm pressing myself from being showing my true feeling. Kindda easy to do that, just forget and pretend... but, recently, he really made me worry...

I don't know.

And i don't wana know...

suicide is painless?

Things get so complicated lately, especially dealing with my family members. Suxx is all on word I can describe about my feeling. They keep relate me with problems which I don’t think is very very important, it’s just a small matter but they keep it long and lasting and forever. Just like this case. OMG, just gimme a break la!! I promise I can do it, I sure I can make it! And, my study is nothing kindda related to these things. I just don’t understand why they keep telling me not to do this and that,. I KNOW what I am thinking and what decision I’m going to take. Okey, I admit that in this case is really my fault! But, please don’t make it serious and relate it to my study, Fuck lo. I hate people accused me with a thing that which I don’t really meant it.

These days, my mood really down to zero and I have limited tolerance. I know the reasons, and I’m still searching for the best solutions. I keep pushing myself to the limit, and make myself happier than usual, act like nothing ever happened, yes, I did it! But whenever I’m alone and alone and alone again in my room, those problems keep coming heading towards me, it’s just like the rain that will never stop. I really don’t know what to do… and I nearly…

Someone save my life. And I do appreciate him. Thanks. A LOT. I f not I don’t think I can see the world today. X)

Someone asked me to write my happy episodes in this blog. But I need to explain here that, I don’t and can’t find any suitable place for me to release my stress, so blogging is one of my way to express out what I feel bad. I just think that you guys can see my happy face everyday, so I need not to emphasis here again, lols… and now, you guys can see what a bad days I gone through lately… so soo-o-rry, no happy news here… x( maybe one day I will try to do that!

reformat me,please

*You're the one who broke my heart,
you're the reason my world fell apart,
you're the one who made me cry,
yet I'm still in love with you and
I don't know why..*

I M A DAMN.
Gimme a damn.

Sorry, my brain get stuck in every way it is.Im done.Im broken.
Is not that i don't wana try,is not that i have offence,
but i need to clear off something on my mind and heart before i start a new relationship.
I need to know whether he likes me onot before i can let go everything..
i need to know!
but,i m not dare to ask,even face him...
so,i need sumore time...
i just can't take my heart away,its too hard..sorry x(

everyone askd me hu is him.
1)he's not the one who you think.
2)repeated:not the one who you think...all wrong.
&&&
i wont tell.
reasons:
1) i had promised myself.
2)world war three will start
3)im not perfect
4)i dunwan our frenship to end like that
lastly,i dunwan him to avoid me.

thats all for my explanation.
thx @.@

my [h]ero

"Just let me ask you somet hing,if I happen to walk out of this room right now and never come back, and just forget everything and leave it all behind, would you be okay with that?

Because I have 5 steps till I close this door and you have 5 seconds to make up your mind,starting now..."

I'm only me. That is all I can be. No more, no less, dont second guess. I love, I live, I laugh, I cry. I've wished sometimes that I could die. Some days I'm funny, others I'm not, sometimes I'm overact and I can't stop. You may not like me, but that's okay because this is me and how I'll stay.

Every girl wants a Prince Charming, and while he may be nice and all, I'm thinking that I'd rather have the guy that's gonna call at 4 in the morning just to say hi.

Or someone who will stop by my house after just hanging up the phone because he wants to see how I'm really doing, because I said I was fine, but we both know I'm lying.

Or the guy who'll stay home on a Saturday night with me because I'm sick.

That guy, that one guy, he may not be Prince Charming to anyone else... but he'd be my hero.

My "knight in shining armor."

Anyone who'd rather stay home on a Saturday night and hold my hair while I puke...

that's a hero.

As Not Usual x)

Windy day~

So far,so good.The art of letting go and support him from the behind store,is always the best choice.

:)

Seeing him smile so broad,always make my days as bright as the stars.

Assignments,i'm coming!!I'll do my best and concentrate 99% on it.

Another 1%?Relaxing,cause it's so stress when u don't even have ideas bout what to write and present.Hish.

*wink*

Today,i went to TESCO and KFC.Bought one orange juice,cookie crips,a cup of tomyam maggi mee,chipsmore "double chips" and one bottle.Hhheehe.

My dad kept reminded me,"wear mask"..==okey.

And "don't go to crowd places"..==okey okey..

These few days feeling so dizzy,and i have tried to sleep early,like 12 am?Den the next morning still feeling so sleepy..especially in the English lectural class.Gosh.

Today,went to Karen's house,one motive : Sleeping!

Tho its just 15 minutes but already can kept me awake.Cool,her place is the nice spot to take a nap.Hehhe.Thanks Karen!Muachxoxo!

*i wana stay besides you,but i think her presences already can makes you feels better :)*

the [l]as[t] time

I think i need to let go him,as i know he's now so blissful and happy with her.I'm okey with that as long as he's happy,as long as he feels the happiness when he's with her.At least,she can brings him a wonderful and colourful life to him.I will accept the truth,and pray for them.Lols.

Finally,i can smile.A broad smile. :) maybi.

I am willing to let go.
I never felt this heartbroken before.Maybe,this is what i called,loving him secretly..i maybe don't have the chances to tell him i like him.
Being friends with him,is my pleasure and i'm so happy..
I can live without him..i think i can make it.Y?coz,seeing him so happy also make me happy..
^^
Again i repeat:gurl,loves him deeply,don't let him go as i won't let him fall into you again.I swear.

brief feelin'

Learn to be stronger.

Learn to be tougher.

Learn to control emotions.

Learn to let go...

I'm feeling so lazy this few days.
Always sleep.

Tian Li.Be more tough,you can do it!
Learn to let him go.You two never start before.He don't even realise your present.You'r just a normal friend to him!!!
Gosh..

I can make it through today,but i don't know whether i can make it through tomorrow or not..
o.O

My Heart Is Beating *dup dap*

It's so hurt to see you.
It's so sad to know that you are right in front of me,yet u belong to other.
It's like,a thounsand of knife stabs into my heart,and again, this feeling is coming back to me.

He don't know.And i'm still confusing myself.I like him?Or it's just a feeling.Or wad?

I accept that he's no longer belongs to me.
I accept the reality,because,we never started before,i never confess to him before.So,just let it be..

Maybe,loving him secretly will help our friendships keep going on..i will not confess to him.I will not,funny,because..he's already belongs to other lucky girl :)
Just..i hope,that girl will loves him deeply,give him all her loves..if not,i will take him away..

*teardrops on my guitar*

chao~

leave me,the best way

It's 12 a.m

And,im still onlining.Ignoring those instant messages.Sitting alone inside my room.

Wondering and so confusing at the same time.Can't resist what i feel anymore,it's begin to grow larger and larger.Feeling suffocated again.

This feeling,is coming back to me again.What i'm gonna do?

Choices?no.I only have one choice.Let it be,leave it.

I think,i like someone.And i keep telling myself,we're impossible.Yeah.I'm almost done with that.I'm so dying inside.This kind of feeling keep pushing me to the limit.And i keep controlling myself from being in love again.This kind of feeling is so hurt.The main question is,i think he don't likes me.Thats all i can think about.

So,i surrender before i fight.Cause,i know i'm not good enough for him.So, let go is the way,the only way i can choose.The best way i can decide.I'm so useless.I will be regreting.I think i will..

This kind of feeling is so confusing and had gimme a tonnes of impact.I keep emo-ing myself.I'm done,I keep telling myself,enough!Stop this.But,i just can't..

You like her.That will be your answer.

gettin' tired [DOT]

wassup.

It's weekends again!! ;)
Ntg to do.Sleepin?Neh,busy preparing for next week presentations.Wa.
Tired to do dy la.
Afterwards need to go to Teoh's house.COMPUTER STUDIESsss grrrrrrr!!

Then,this evening plan to wash Matt gor's car.Dai lou.Hahhaz!
Actually wana play water..hehe.Sure fun like hell.Release tension!
HAHHAahahahAHAHA!

X) PEACE.and Chao till now~

im weird.so wat?!

All of sudden,i felt so tired,and dissapointed towards myself.
Maybe i called this,mood swing.
Emo swinger.
Tired of pretending.[Im dying inside,.yet im smilling outside]
They said,i am good at smiling better than emo-ing,but i feel,i can't make it anymore.
Maybe just leave me alone.For today.
Im just getting tired.

Sigh alot.
Theres one thing keep running on my mind!
Actually,i don't know how to say this,
I am enough messy myself,so..
plus my friends problems,really keep me headache!
I just wana say,i am willing to help if i can..but if you keep pushing yourself in this well,nobody can help you anymore..just,let go..

sSO EMO NOW!BURDEN INSIDE KEEP KILLING MYSELFf

*messy*

one button,two needles.

Just like one man,two women.

Kindda confusing and things just went wrong and wrong.Everything seems to be not in the same line anymore.Gosh.

History repeated again,but things just not happend on me.Is another unlucky girl.

I am just wondering,whether..all man are the same or is there any odd one?Her real-live-taking story is just basicily worst than mine. At least,mine was not the No.1.

Everything happend nearly on the same time&same year.One button,two needles.This is just as suck as the toilet's bowl!== Can't imagine everything hapend for one reason : Playboy

Hell yeah,he is the Jerk,he COUPLE i said,COUPLE with two girls at the same time,really makes me wanna feed him my middle fingers on both hand.LOL.damn him!grrr.

I JUST CAN'T STAND TWO THINGS:

A)JERKs

B)SMOKERS

as the first rank is JERKs..sigh.I really admit that i will hate JERKs for the rest of my life,No matter what reasons..He's still a JERK!grr.

As she told me her story plus crying..i was like..geezz,there's such man! And what i did was.,cried together,cause she reminded me of my old self. I've been cheated too. So, i told her, just cried.LOL,funny was, we laughed together .. haha!

To my dear friend,

Well,everyhting happend for a reason,u will make it through the toughest time.You can.And that jerk,GB HIM.==.

He's not worth a half cent,It's up to you to decide everything..

I just dunno what else can i do for you,but im mentally support you!

gambateh x)

tagline: smile for a better tomorrow,cheersss!

last word: I HATE SOMEONE

Sigh,so down..

Maybe it's Saturday night again.Assignments and examinations really screwd me up,i'm like a..corpse.but the diff is,im alive..==

My head&brain so messy right now,wana shout out loud for no reason,sob!
Next monday=maths test.and God bless!^^

What the hack luhs,im so downnnnnnn.The problem is,i can't found any reason for my sadness.Just,maybe kene pissd-off by someone i really care.ZAR dao.

Eargh..listening to this song:Ni Hen Ai Ta by F.I.R really make me wana run to the lake and swim across it!huhu.

Fine.Study time..

p/s:i hate someone~
T.T

This Is So Tiring..

Well,week 7-8 or so on will be having mid-term test.Or maybe quizeees?LOL.
Haven't prepare yet,but will start doing right now..(rightnow can be tomorrow)kehkeh..

Sat&Sun are the days that i feel much empty and alone most of the time,kindda miss my frens.Well,actually i can day dreaming alone in my room,without anyone interupting..cool.kehkeh!

I feel happier with them(ta10),at least i can laugh till my face cramp,till my head drop.hahha.
TA10,i love you.really,trust me *wink*.

Him?okeh luhs,nothing much to describe..I still don't know what he means by the tagline on his msn..i noe what he wrote,but i donno who is he talking bout.But,i thought maybe me?Or im too sensitive?You cant blame on me,sometimes,my feeling is correct,and this prove a lot of times..


Nothing much to write..next week is my public speaking presantation..wala~
wish me luck.and till now..chao~

Blue Wednesday(dot)

I just don't wana be another foolish.
Another foolish!
I'm just a .. a.. normal human being,a gurl.A gurl who has her own feeling inside and she is she.
I just don't wana be another gurl,the same gurl in his life..
This is so hurt..

Don't say you love me.Don't say you like me,if i'm just a "shelter"..cause,you don't even have the feeling towards me.....>.<

when i called this a MATTER!

I think i'm so selfish.Only think of myself.I never ,always never realise that other peoples still have theirs felling.Im so..

can;t continue for the next word

being SACARSTIC.

"Each of my days was passed with a lie.."

coughing very badly right now,its been about 3 weeks im in Perak. Sad and happy at the same time.Happy because i knew so many friends and let me passes each wonderful day even some of them is irritating or confusing myself.Im ok with that,i am still happy.Sad because dad and mom are making me more suffering and i can't breath anymore.They don't seem to trust me anymore. I know im so far from them and they seemed to wana move me to Kl.I'm so unhappy, they should let me make my own way,they should trust me, they should know i will be responsible for my life..let me be indepenent,even if i had made one mistake they should not forever not to trust me.This is a sad issue!

I lied to them a lot.They make me wana lie to them,cause they will not trust me anymore if i said the truth.They will think im fooling around here.But im not.I just wana make my life happier than usual.I lied to them for a good reasons.I really don't know how to act..its so hard and tired.. gosh..

hurt-ty

im so sad.

im so unreactive,im useless,im so blue,im nothing at the end.
if you ask me why im so straight thinking,i would like to say,dats me..im learning how to be indenpendent..i dont try to be dependent on other ppl..but somehow,im just still the same on others eyes.

someone turn on me.snab a knife on my back before discussing with me.im now so damn mad.crazy mad.if tey or she dont like the way im doing can tell me before letting my parents know.this kindda like boikoting.so stupid lo.

i,dnno how to describe myself now.kindda down.i dont even have the feeling to study.y?y tis happend on me?i hate them,or her,the one hu boikoting me.

skip breakfast,lunch.dinner?ill kao tim myself..
even..i dont feel like wana have lunch or dinn with my fren from the same state..

you noe..tis feeling is kindda,like suiciding....maybe one day i cant stand,i will..
by the time..i think tey still think im the same..NTG WILL CHANGE.im sorry

I'M SO USELESS

bran[d] ne[w] da[y]

okey.

kindda,miss the old days,where i have a space to count on.but now?

my new
life nw will be in the campus&hostel.
all by myself is the new quote or word in my dictionary.LOl

Now i am studying in kampar perak.the UTAR.and currently living at the westlake under Danish House sdn bhd.is kinda like a hostel.

Utar?oh,is a big U.with amazing scenary.at first peoples might tot dat Utar in kampar is situated in a rural place with no modenation or sort of,include me!
but,after seeing for the first time.it was like a BOOM!I never notice dat,it was so awesome,its so big till we nid to walk bout 10-15 minutes to the canteen or cafeteria(block c) from the heritage hall(block a).

oh,i still cant find out where is my class.sh*t.next monday need to attend the very first class.so nervous..gosh!i tink today i will cycle to the U to find out where is it!hehehe.

sigh.westlake is just situated bout 1.5km from the Utar.So,i think i will either cycle or take the Utat bus there.ok,lets talk bout the transport things!cycle is a good activity,but for a freshie or pre-cyclelist like me,its just too tiring and..i hope it wont be a nightmare for me cause now im having aching all over my short legs.lol.the Utar bus?um,we actually need a thing or paper called kupon/ticket to take the bus.its just cost bout..70c?for each trip.if you take go and back,its..1.4r.correct?sigh.till now i still cant understand the schedule.i dnno wat time will the bus coming to the westlake and the time where it will come to fetch us in the Utar.hack!

okey.i've cycle all the westlake.not too proud..hiahiahaa!
westlake.inside it had..tsing hua,oxford,manchester and yale.tsing hua and oxford is the most happening place,where you can find a lot of students hanging around even after 8 pm.So do we(yw,felicia & me)lol.hanging around means cycling and..watever it is la..

foods?well,is kinda hard too.if im in the u,ill go to the canteen.if im at my house..i might calld a delivery or cycle witf m fren to the nearest stalls,tired la everyday thinking bout the food.huh,so..the maggi cup will be my next target.hahaha!

ntg is important than moneyssssss.here,we need money.foods,bill,um..and emergency oso.
maybe some of my fren is living in the u with hostel and food provided everyday with no charge.i said maybe.

here,i learn to be indenpendent.ok.end of this blog,i will say that...
im feeling really excited for the next monday.huahuahua!

till now,chao.and..gudluck wish to myself lo,*wink*.

p/s:no pic provided coz no camare..dun have the intend to bring too,later go borrow people one..lol.chaoO~

thazzit'*!

Finally,things will be going to the end,n you will need to make the decision,no matter what fer a acceptable reasons..

Everyone is goin on their diffrent path of ways..include me!No matter what kind of road,what is the "taste" of the road,all the challanges that are coming on..you need to accept it.Goes with the flow..not to against it.That's the rule.

I started to miss all my frens,the road to my school,the gate..the huge tree outside the gate,where i used to be waiting there fer my parents to pick me up,where i used to date with my boi.i missed the coridor which is beside the gim,.where,i used to joke with my fren while walking back to the class.i missed the basketball court,where we're used to play basketball together tho i'm not a pro..i missed the od,where all the shows were presented there,its the most comfortable place ever in the skooll..i missed the skoll library,the teachers room,the canteen,the gimnasium,the porch,the..well everything!!

I'm going to further my study,i hope my decision is correct in choosing the right course..and i guess i will be missing here..this place,sigh*..
speechless...

Theres a huge burden inside me..maybe i should let go my burden.Yesh,my spm result.That the vital crisis memory i ever went thru..I will keep that in my mind,as a moral thingy,which remind me not to go back to the road!I can do it..

Guys,good luck..have a nice journey..chao~ till now..:)