my sin[] for sure

I was walking on the street, passing by a music shop; I heard that song, again. Then, the memories of you flash into my mind. Why you? Am I regretting for breaking up with you? If I do not say that last word, maybe last four months we already went through our very first anniversary… I miss you for sure. Where are you now?

I still blame myself for my stupid mistake letting you go. Have I let you go? 100%? I don’t know…

I’m still counting, counting the day that we went through if we are still together, stupid right? I’m the one who let you go, and in the end, I’m the one who still miss you… really hate myself…

I still can’t let go… for my sin…

Please save me…

dropping in and out~

Why am I always stuck in problems that I do not wish too involved? And why nobody support me? Why I am always the wrong person to blame? Why nobody ask about my feelings? Why? Is it I am the one who always make up the problems? So you all jump into the conclusion.


I do not know what is my feeling right now, just damn down! Even my friend also asks me to think. Honest? What is honest? In her world, everything just seems so simple and easy, whereas my life is full of thoughts, complicity, troubles, and misery. Honest for me is just a word. You just act honest when you get caught, and it is beyond your beliefs and gut. When can I be truly honest?

It is not that I do not want to tell the truth; maybe it is just not the right time. I think even how many times I explain, he stills stand on his own word. And yes, I am. I am the kind of person who he thinks I am. Brat. Spoilt. Sucks.

And everyone starts to blame me. And this really makes me puke all the way. How can I walk along the road? I can’t, just can’t…

Now, I seemed to be lifeless. Everything should be stop right now. My world seems to stop spinning… and I can feel my soul start to crawl out from its host.



-You can judge me all you want by using your own theory,


in case you feel your feeling will gets better*



-You can boycott me if you wish,


in case you feel I’m wrong*



-You can tell me you hate my actions and words,


in case you feel I’m irritating*




…just to tell you…

YOU are not the RIGHT person to JUDGE my life, because you don’t even know me.



Fly away~

oh shit x[

Totally blank. Don’t know what I am thinking right now. I think I will surrender and try to forget. I want to sleep! Urgh! Assignments make me puke. Nooooo!!







Vomited all the foods I’ve eaten. Sucks! Stupid oily Lo Shu Fun. Sigh. Stomach still drowns with oil. No cure.






*no mood wana write sumore.






Chao~

casanova,girl version.

People do change. It is just depends on the timing and environmental problems. My adrenaline spreads so fast and moving like a train this morning. I don’t know why but I’m sure it’s not because of excited, it’s because of hatred and angry. I hated myself so much that I can’t control it and let it bomb.



I can’t stop blaming myself that I’m the cause of these problems! I never want to involve in this thing, but whenever I feel like I want to stop, feelings keep pulling me into this trap again! I hated myself so much that I let myself go in!


I hurt someone. I open the cut, I spread the salt and make him hurt deeply. Not only one, but two. Then, I started to realize something, I’ve changed. I’m trying hard to search myself back! Where is the old tyanlee? I’m so frustrated that I feel like scream out of my lungs! Today might be the day I go crazy…


I will never love someone like I did in the past even if I’m trying my best. Maybe I’m just scare that I will take the wrong path and in the end, either he or I will get hurt. As I said, don’t fall for me for I will ruin your life and taking you for granted. Now, my life only has me and myself. I will stop. Stop for feeling things.


I’m not a flirter. But, if you insist that I’m, then go on! Just say I’m a playgirl.
That maybe correct, isn’t it?

If You Read This

Everything happened just so sudden. I don’t know how to react, maybe one of the best way is… ignoring. But I know, I can’t do this forever, I still need to face the problem. I hope I will have enough courage to face him, unfortunately, no. If you ask me once again, I will still stand on my own decision. I can’t accept that things turn to me once again. I can’t trust people who change his or her mind so suddenly, especially dealing with feeling. This is just too scary.



Maybe, the problem came from me. Maybe I’m just too close with him. I should know that my action will cause another possibility. Just blame on me. My intend just to be friend with him, maybe some kind of close but I don’t mean to go beyond this tie. I don’t know how to tell him this, because some fact might hurt him. If you saw my blog, hope you know that I don’t mean to ignore you… sorry for yesterday. Just so sorry.

so called "SOUL-hurt"

It's hurt, too hurt to recall those memories.



I knew you since the first week of Semester One. We met by chance and fate. I’m so happy to know you, really. Hanging out with you really gives me a lot of fun, and you do make me happy. Sometimes, we do argue because of small matter, but that doesn’t matter, because this has taught me to accept another you…


Something happened in the middle, caused our relationship to slowly fade away day by day. I have decided to let you go; hoping that you would leave me a little dignity inside myself. I then knew a lot of friends, I joined them… learnt to leave you alone really tough enough. But I’ve no other choice. I blamed myself for too naïve, too childish… and on everything that can hurt me…


It’s been about 4 months, in the four months; you do make something that can heal our relationship…you told me something that against my thought… and I still stand on my own principe, that we are impossible. We are still friends, but I do ignore you a lot. And until just now… you asked me something. I think my action just too mean. I’m sorry… really sorry! Maybe I’m still trying to avoid the truth… the so called soul-hurt. I just want you to give me a little dignity… not much.

somethingFOR[y]ou

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.


from,
Neil Gainman

lOOkin' UP, sigh !

I'm not okey today. X(

It's raining right now. And my feeling is totally hundred percent down!

Sigh. Something make me dissapointed, accurately, someone!

I don't know how to talk about this,.

*leave me alone*

s a y cheers! x))

Finally, it’s semester break! X))

Staying home right now, for a couple days before going out to have a real fun! Best time to rest myself from the hectic campus life… dump them aside first, go have fun like; bukit climbing, naked on the beach x))( that will be a joke! ), shopping, baking cake, hanging out with some close friends, loitering(^^), enjoying pleasure time with family members and also… my garden!... shit, y they look like forest ? lols, thanks, so to nature x))

So relax to stay in home… argggghhh! I like my home! Homexsweetxhome! X))

By the way, I’m so miss my group, TA10!... >.< what can I do… msn-ing luh.. Sigh…xoxo you all! =3

w a i t i n g

Let go.

Let go is the best decision for each of us; for you and me.
I’m not going to love you. That will be my decision. The reason, very easy… I like another person.
It’s not worth for you to love me, I said it before… it’s useless… and I’m going to give and pay back all the things u have given or done for me...

I don’t know when I will give up on liking him. I think I’m just stupid, waiting for someone who didn’t even know I like him. Idiot huh? I just don’t have the gut, the gut to confess, and I really don’t want to make a mess on him… But who cares, that’s my problem… It’s just that, I will keep on pray for him and his girl :]

I will close my heart for this time. Silently support him… x)

lET mE gO~

I just don’t think that I can make it anymore. It doesn’t relate to my old century case. It’s just, I can’t found anyone that I feel I want to live with forever. Maybe I did! But I’ve let him go… in front of me…
Till now, I’m still waiting for him… for him to realize that I’m by his side, always!
Anyway, I’m so sorry for the one who have been courting me since… since I don’t know when… I pleased you to give me time… but I’m just sorry… I can’t make it… its hard.
You know, maybe one day I realized that you are the one who really suitable for me, you maybe have let me go… how coincidence.
No matter what, thanks for sharing whatever you had shared with me… I will go on with my life…

No-way x((

Am I too busybody? I’m an asshole digger. I screwed up on other people. I kick their asses and then tell the whole world. I’m cruel. I’m rubbish. Fine.
What happened to me recently? I’m acting like… like, no direction. What had happened?!
Don’t tell me that I’ve fall deeply… deeply into the sea of love. No, I can’t do this, I will stop myself from going down again… we’re just friends… and I care for him just like a friend… it can’t be… no way…

I Wish... x))

Sunrise o sunrise.
I want to watch sunrise so much. But that day I just gave up because I’ve no faith, x((

Sunrise o sunrise
I want to take picture with you so much. But that day I’ve leave you… again I’ve no faith, x((

I will have the chance!x))
I won’t give up…

bad-day

I'm not trying to give hope.
I will not.

SIGH.
I will never ever talk about it again.
No more.

jUST lOOK aROUND

Things shouldn’t be moving right so fast, maybe human need time to observe, interpret, and then decide whether their decision is correct or other way round. Human do make mistake and don‘t realize their mistaken decision until some time.

The feeling of liking someone is wonderful, at the same time you will be confusing whether you really like him/her or just your feeling is fooling around. Have you ever think that you just need someone to occupy your empty heart? Or, you just pick anyone who is ok and compatible with you to court even you just know him/her not more than 6 month? Have you ever thought that you are using your heart to think but not your mind, your heart has conquered your feeling? You can said, it’s the love at first sight, but I never believe in that way. It’s just the feeling of lust not love. Think about it carefully.

First time you said you like that one girl, then when she had rejected for some reasons, you give up and court another one girl. No problem right, because since she’s not the right person. Here’s the problem, you just knew both of the girl for 3 months. Then in the 3 months, the feeling can change so drastically? So, is this lust or love?

For me, I don’t believe in love at first sight, because everything happened for just chemistry. To find someone who is really suitable for you, you need time to observe. Gone through once is just enough experience to me. I just don’t want to simply pick one and go on a relationship. If he has faith in waiting for me, then he’s maybe the right person. After all, feeling is also important, what is the point of having someone who is suitable but has no feeling. It is just like wearing clothes that fit you but you don’t like it.

I choose on flirting for some reasons. Maybe someday I will stop it if I’ve found someone who is really suitable. Because you never know, the art of falling in love and then broke up after a while is really hurting. It is just indescribable in words.

Just make you feeling as simple as you can and don’t let any of your emotions take over you. Think it carefully and make your decision wisely enough. After all, it’s just a feeling. Take your time to digest. Use your brain and mind to think not your heart in making decisions. X)

I do admit that in some cases, some couple managed to go till the end. And here I really wished them to have a happy ending; I just love to see couple. KAKA! X)) “love makes the world go around”.

Berry,
and good luck guys. X))
gambate for tomorrow!

Currently x)

“Changing position”, I mean I’ve changed and carry my laptop to my bed, Is exactly on my bed. Nothing, just want to see the light and the skies, cause my bed is facing the window. Kinda miss the sunlight x)) and now I’m studying on my bed, I am sitting on the floor and act like the bed is the desk. Lol. I enjoyed doing that.
Currently busy for the final examination for this semester. I am wondering whether we can still meet and chat like this after we will be going on separate way for the next semester. I hope our relationship will be the same; after all we need to grow up.
A lot of thing happened recently, relationship, either on friendship or lover-ship… everything is moving on its own way. I see through everything and realize something, “just be grateful” and “everything happened for a reason”. The feeling of being abundant by others is really disturbing and shit. I knew because I’ve gone through the shit before. Be positive and act nothing, maybe others are not doing it on purpose. Just don’t let the small matter make your days worsen… its not worth at all, brighten your days with smiles and laughter x))
Sometimes we just don’t realize families are the one who will support us forever. They will by our side no matter what, lovers will leaves us, friends will turn you over but family are the one who will not do that… be appreciate whenever by their side, just be appreciate… and I currently missed them so much. I know sometimes I do angry and scold you all but I’m not doing it on purpose, it’s just that I also have my own opinion, and I know what I am doing… and I just want to say, I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you all… scar will be there but I promise I will improve myself, I mean my attitude towards you all… x((
Sigh, we walked, we talked, we laughed, we sang, we chatted; we are doing all everything…together!
I will never forget you guys, all these 3 months are really wonderful memories you guys have created! I’m sure that I will laugh and smile alone when I’m thinking of you guys… even in the dreams. X))
Cool! I love you guys! And gambateh in the final exam!

bump!

What now?

I guess i've let him go... I give myself a chance, a chance to accept others..

But, If i open my heart again, sigh would it be the same like my old case? Or..something different?

If i say, i like him...erm, actually is another him...what will he think of?

Now, i'm pressing myself from being showing my true feeling. Kindda easy to do that, just forget and pretend... but, recently, he really made me worry...

I don't know.

And i don't wana know...

suicide is painless?

Things get so complicated lately, especially dealing with my family members. Suxx is all on word I can describe about my feeling. They keep relate me with problems which I don’t think is very very important, it’s just a small matter but they keep it long and lasting and forever. Just like this case. OMG, just gimme a break la!! I promise I can do it, I sure I can make it! And, my study is nothing kindda related to these things. I just don’t understand why they keep telling me not to do this and that,. I KNOW what I am thinking and what decision I’m going to take. Okey, I admit that in this case is really my fault! But, please don’t make it serious and relate it to my study, Fuck lo. I hate people accused me with a thing that which I don’t really meant it.

These days, my mood really down to zero and I have limited tolerance. I know the reasons, and I’m still searching for the best solutions. I keep pushing myself to the limit, and make myself happier than usual, act like nothing ever happened, yes, I did it! But whenever I’m alone and alone and alone again in my room, those problems keep coming heading towards me, it’s just like the rain that will never stop. I really don’t know what to do… and I nearly…

Someone save my life. And I do appreciate him. Thanks. A LOT. I f not I don’t think I can see the world today. X)

Someone asked me to write my happy episodes in this blog. But I need to explain here that, I don’t and can’t find any suitable place for me to release my stress, so blogging is one of my way to express out what I feel bad. I just think that you guys can see my happy face everyday, so I need not to emphasis here again, lols… and now, you guys can see what a bad days I gone through lately… so soo-o-rry, no happy news here… x( maybe one day I will try to do that!

reformat me,please

*You're the one who broke my heart,
you're the reason my world fell apart,
you're the one who made me cry,
yet I'm still in love with you and
I don't know why..*

I M A DAMN.
Gimme a damn.

Sorry, my brain get stuck in every way it is.Im done.Im broken.
Is not that i don't wana try,is not that i have offence,
but i need to clear off something on my mind and heart before i start a new relationship.
I need to know whether he likes me onot before i can let go everything..
i need to know!
but,i m not dare to ask,even face him...
so,i need sumore time...
i just can't take my heart away,its too hard..sorry x(

everyone askd me hu is him.
1)he's not the one who you think.
2)repeated:not the one who you think...all wrong.
&&&
i wont tell.
reasons:
1) i had promised myself.
2)world war three will start
3)im not perfect
4)i dunwan our frenship to end like that
lastly,i dunwan him to avoid me.

thats all for my explanation.
thx @.@

my [h]ero

"Just let me ask you somet hing,if I happen to walk out of this room right now and never come back, and just forget everything and leave it all behind, would you be okay with that?

Because I have 5 steps till I close this door and you have 5 seconds to make up your mind,starting now..."

I'm only me. That is all I can be. No more, no less, dont second guess. I love, I live, I laugh, I cry. I've wished sometimes that I could die. Some days I'm funny, others I'm not, sometimes I'm overact and I can't stop. You may not like me, but that's okay because this is me and how I'll stay.

Every girl wants a Prince Charming, and while he may be nice and all, I'm thinking that I'd rather have the guy that's gonna call at 4 in the morning just to say hi.

Or someone who will stop by my house after just hanging up the phone because he wants to see how I'm really doing, because I said I was fine, but we both know I'm lying.

Or the guy who'll stay home on a Saturday night with me because I'm sick.

That guy, that one guy, he may not be Prince Charming to anyone else... but he'd be my hero.

My "knight in shining armor."

Anyone who'd rather stay home on a Saturday night and hold my hair while I puke...

that's a hero.