cal[m] blue

Its about 1 weeks since we had breakup.Yes.Is me and him.I thought he would be the last,or at least 1 year.But,i never thought,it only took us about,7 months and double couple days before our celebration for the next 8 month.

Theres been a lot of questions stick on my mind since i got my result.Friends success or goodnews got me hurt day by day.I can feel thousands of knifes snabbed into my heart.Right in the middle!!I was rarely contact with them.Maybe i want to be alone,calming myself down,before i can move on to the next step!But i can't stop here,right now!

I told myself that i need to move on.Keep on move on,till the end!Show to them that i can do it.Yes.I can!However,this is too tiring.Those news get me down to the bottom of earth everytime.Each time i want to stand up,theres some force that pull me down again.This is so shit.I really need a rest...in a sarcastic way nway..huhhu!

OKEY.My next target.Concentrate in my study!I choose acc finally.Not any science subject like bio nmore!I need to give up.Cause i lose my scholarship,I dun hav a great grade for my chemistry.I wish i could dropped it!lol.So,bussiness and acc is the best choice though i'm not so interested in it.I don't like it,but i believe,my feeling on it will bloom day by day.Try to fall in love with maths and calculating.I WANT TO FALL IN LOVE WITH MATH!!!grrrr.

I gave up on science BUT I love to know about biology.I believe,if i got bio course,i will study damn hard,cause its my fav subject.nOT TO SAY i will not try hard for acc,i wil,just need sometime to adjust!But,let's think bout it gain,if i wasted so much money on it,and in the last..i can't find any..i mean,is kinda hard ezit?except you r a professional.If acc,many company want it.rite?So,let's forget my "likeble subject" focus on the "marketing subject"..kk,ppl out there with science course must whack me afterwards.Hhehhe.Well,any job had their own way to survive..so,
If you feel smthng wrong with above,forget wat i write..PEACE!!

This few days i can feel like my love life had gone.Its all were the history.Past.All those boys who used to tackle me up,had gone to somwhere.Heaven maybe.So,this time i'll be alone once again,nothing special.Just hanging around with my mom a lot.We joking,chatting..fooling each other.Cause i know i dun hav time for it later on.Hhheege!

Is kinda boring to be alone,but..i guess i'm feeling okey with it!At least no more worrying about my partner.I used to care so much bout my last boy,I feel like i had forget myself.He?Caring guy too,but..his caring is kindda,i can't feel it!Let say,his caring is kinda tighten yr soul.Like,exm:"I wanna go for a party tonight",his replying was like:"oh,ok.dun be naughty.."Fine,If my boy know me.He wont askd me to be like dat!He should know who's me?He should know my heart always belongs to him."Oh?normal?"
C'mom!He used to told me the same things almost everytime i went out!!Like i'm a cheap girl!!I need a break!I need freedom,Is kinda sad to know when our work or mind is not done,but need to care for other people.Feeling guilty if not helping or caring,since we had a relationship,Oww.Im selfish?Nah!!If i'm selfish,i won't care for him dy.So tired..gave up early is the best choice.NO discussion with him.Cause i know i won't change my mind with my last desicion.Kindda cruel,but..if you want us to be togethere where i was sad..he's happy.NO MEANING AT ALL!!loll.

Alone is freeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...weee.I like my life rite now!!!

depressed.so DAMN.

stress-out.

tired.hell.cry.pain.hurt.ALL.

Last time,i thought he's a mosses.He will stuck in the future.Cause,he din apply,nothing he will get.No coll,no university for him..is kinda hard for him..

Now,i'm a nerd.Cause, the one hu apply the U,but not gettin any of them,is me.

He mayb will be goin to overseas.Good for him.N i'm getting jealouse.Kia-su punye pasal!!

From now on..just depend on myself.Stand with my own feet.No fate,no destiny.

Just myself!

Mom gettin' bad mood each day.Plus today,cause his mom trying to show-off.Yah.normal,hu's mom not happy to see their son gettin' full house.I'm just the.."keh-leh-feh"..chinese word nway.

So blue and "hot" today..nearly cried in front of mom.Trying to convince to her dat..i will try my best in the coll later.Dun worry.I will still be goin to overseas,i will!!!I won't break your heart again.Den went to the toilet..cried inside..ta-ma de..lol.asses!!

gotto' tell him.

Well,he sent me a msg yesterday.He said,he hope i will reply his msg.Cause,i din reply him.
I m still thinking,should i let him go?Or explain to him wat i want..
but last i reply to him:sorry busy with U.
Yah,currently,im so busy with dat.And,though i had a space to msg him,i will not do dat.Is kinda like a force dat dont want me to msg him.Mayb the spm result affluence me a lot.I just wana study.Maybe i want a smart bf?Hu can help me in my life.
Saying he's not good enaf.Yah,he's not so..clever.well,dat's not the deal actually rite?Love somone,should accept the goods and bads,rite?
Yah,i do.
A lot of time.Ppl said,pisces is the one hu will close one eyes when saw the bad side of the other.Yah.I can accept that.Cause im doing rite now.But the more i do,the more i feel unsecure.
I admit dat,when he want me,he will msg me.Xample,when he's sick or accdnt,he did msg me!sigh.Dat make me feel,im just the one hu only care for him when he's sick.im not important.Where is he when he's happy?I feel like i still dnno him alot.And there a distance betw us.A LOT.I..tolerate a lot.Everytime i feel like wana talk to him bout our relationship,i was like..no,i can't.Im so scare that he will hurt.But i never thought bout myself.When i want somone to talk bout,to share,to advise me..to debate,.no its not HIM..
so..just let the GOD arrange..

Im not shame to hav a unclever bf.Its just..i want sumone hu can be my tutor.as well as a bf.I feel,im the one hu..tolerate more.I do everthing alone..He's a nice guy..I should not let him go..but i don't wat to hurt him deeper..he should had other nice gurl..

[tomorrow will be better]

Diff betw smart/clever and idiot/stupid.

How to classify them?So,both of them still hav the diff and the distance is so far and long to reach rite?How to make them to be togehter>?

Still,distance is the huge problem.Clever never can be mixed with stupid.

Clever,mostly ppl will praise them.So,how's the clever thought bout themselves?About the idiot one?To the world?The ppl around them>?
Did they wana mixed with the stupids?

Stupid,mostly ppl wil treat them like dried grass on the field.No success,no mercy,no brain,no fren,no watever the clever had.

YES.maybe NOT.i dnno.

sumone,tell me..m dying over here..
kk,nobody will read this blog nway.lol.

*lalalalxlala!

final thought

It had been about one week since we had never contact each other.
Yah,one week.I dun have the feeling to contact him,plus,currently online-ing searching for universities,colleges that can fit me in.Finding my way or a place there.So tired and frustrating.As,i am confusing and choosing betw business/acc/medical sort of.Headache.And what kind of Us/Colls are suitable.

Well,some of you might have been thinking that i should at least contact him,yah my beloved,to share my thought and so on..but,he also never contact me either..so,let's just make this whole week a..rest time for us,a time for us to think,whether we still fit each other or not..

I bet he must busy packing his stuffs to be ready to move to KL.Yah,he's goin to shift.
Den,we dun hav time to met each other..I dnno it's a gud news or not.Still all the best.And may GOD bless him.

I am not going to do something that will lead me to a regret road.Tried it(break-up) more then once,even twice.Yah.Love stuff.Before decide it,i had to think twice..yes.I need to tink bout it..
(haven decide yet,dun wory)

Mum dad,thanks.cause gimme one more chance to proof that i can do it.I promise i will do it better this time!!!love you both till the end!!

mwah.xoxo.

bloody dey.

I had changed.You can say,maybe a few days,
How come,i feel like a thousand years??

Dear GOD,
Lend me the strength.Give me the light..Show me the way..

Just now,i opened the computer.Saw some website that just typed by my dad.(sharing computer)
And,the website:www.."chinesetemple"..or what "praying."
What's dat?Wana bring me there??
Dad,i just got 3A's.Why act like..im being posseses sort of??
It's just..i don't worked hard..

Dad.Im okey!!

this making me hurt..feeling ALONE.

why?my bad dreamt just started ezit?

oOhpinion

Haha,Call me stupid.call me nerdy.
I am an ungrateful person.
Dun want to mention nmore.Tired.
Tired.
Tired.
Breaking up soon.
I will..
I am too tired..everything..

Nobody will or can help me..include him.I don't know dear..
Gimme summore time..
Just summore to,.. to see whether,we still can b together or not..
The problem,is just me..AAGAIN.
I can't do it..I just..wanna free myself...
We're just not suitable..

GUESS SO.

Iam trying to fix it.
lol..

deservation

yah.TRULY.i'm deserve.
All relatives started to call.And.I don't know..
Now,i am just like..AIDS patient.Everybody,include my parents..
started to show me their sympthoms of "disqualification" on me.
Getting depress.
I guess.in one-3 months..i will DIE immedietly..
So,now.i really hope to go to ANY university asap.

Depressing.
Yah.i know my fault.I know i deserve it.
Yah,i varnished yr dreams..
Yah,I am ungrateful personn..
So,now i hate myself..much..

But,why my parents?
I just,need yr support on me right now.
Yah,true..they are angry,dissapointed,shamed,.etc..list go on..
but,to tell you the truth..i want to CONTINUE my studies.
Dats all.

I promise.I will prove to you dat,I can success!!Beat those in U.Trust me!!
JUST ONE CHANCE!!

Now,Im fighting and encouraging myself.ALONE.
Seems like,theres only myself in this world.
I am ok.I will go on my life..

If,I am brave enaf..i will not in this world..anymore!!
For what i live?
For my parents,to show them..to prove to them.I CAN DO IT!

*its not the end of the world.just start a new chapter.change!its just a punishment.i can accept it,i wont give up*

nobody will trust my dream,and support me nmore.i just nid to trust myself.
its a lotsa burden..i can..coz i cant do it half-way..
if not.i will more hate myself..

what bout IF?*gain*

If I just want you to love me.Love again,for a day.Just a day..
Will you?
I won't expect so much..

If,i can pull bck the time..all the..past..
I will..
but i know.i can't do that..for my own selfishness...

Q:Ru happy rite now..in,your present now?All the best.YW.

dear god,
please save my soul..

how will my life begin?

Im too much hypocrite in myself.
Tis is so irritating and disgusting.
I started to hate myself.
Cause,i mss him so much.I just want him to msg me/call me.to care me.EVENTHOUGH,i had
hurt him last time.We're ex.
Am i too..too selfish?

I dn't know what i want.
Sometimes,i want him to by myside.Sometimes,i want to be alone.
Till just now,i feel..i rely want to talk to a person.
I want to have a chat.to tell my heart..to bring out the worst story in myself..
And,the person hu i can think,hu i tink is suitable..is only him..
He knows me more than i know myself.He don't know dat..

My bf?I don't know.I m confusing...
That the reason y.i decided not to im or msg my ex.
I am too scarry..scarry creature.
Just now,i had open his im..but not dare to type anything.
I was so hesitating.So scared dat he gonna say,"when ya in trouble,you noe how to find me..."
Am i selfish?
IM SORRY.

*my future*DO I HAVE ANY FUTURE?

Well,
I'm still alive huh?lol
Yah,today.12march2009.A sad day.A historic day.A critical day.
I just can't imagine,till now..the truth that i'm having right now.
I just only damnly got 3 A's.Shit.

At first i was so shocked.I was standing there..shocked.I don't know whether my face looked pale or not.But i guess YES.
Far from what i targeting.I really..hope that i am dreaming.But i can't.Seeing my frens..
I was..then looked at myself..so pathic.
And one thing,est.shit.how come i can't get A?

Still typing wif lotsa regret on my mind now,so regret..
Everybody,my bro,mum,dad,teachers,frens..all,shocked for what i've got.
N .. to tell you the truth.yes.i deserve..i deserve for the result.

You know wat..i got a moral value from the result..
I really mad at myself..really!!!
Im not appreciate for what i have..for what i had..gosh.
*blurry and teary*

to be continue..